Hold On To Me (Marina)

36.White Lies

36.

I've got a confession
I've got a secret
On the tip of my tongue and it's bleeding out
[...]
I don't care if it hurts me
I care if I hurt you
(Dream State-White Lies)

"Carina, I get what you mean but..."

"Miranda is right, Maya. What if she finds out the truth? It would be a mess.". Maya snorted and shook her head.

"How? I mean, I don't think our friends will go to Keira to tell her we already knew about Raphael." she replied.

"Right, but... It just doesn't feel right, you know? I mean, she trusts us."

"And that's exactly why we can't tell her the truth, Carina!" Maya retorted. "Moreover, Miranda suggested you to do what we think it's the best for her, not to talk to her about her brother.". The doctor rolled her eyes and snapped her tongue, visibly annoyed.

"Dio, sei così cocciuta." she blurted out in Italian. "I just think it's unfair to her, can I?"

"Carina..." Maya tried to calm her wife, in vain. Luckily, Keira was with Ian at the park in that moment, so they could talk freely, but she could arrive home at any moment and she didn't want the girl to catch them fighting. Moreover, she couldn't understand why, all of a sudden, Carina felt guilty about them not telling Keira that they had always known about Raphael's tumor. Not that she didn't care. She had been the first lying to the girl and it had been terrible for her, but at the same time she had made a promise to Raphael and she could disagree with it, but she knew he only wanted to protect his sister from further grief.

"So, what do you want to do? She would hate us!"

"I know!" Carina replied, raising her voice. "I know.". The Italian let out a sigh, her eyes filled with sadness. "The other day, when I told her about Andrea I... She opened up with me, Maya. She told me about her brother and I told her about mine. And while I was talking I realized that we are preventing her from knowing how much Raphael loved her. How much he tried to protect her and change, so that he could spend his last months with her. Vedi, the point is that I lied to Andrea when our mother died. It was so wrong then and it's so wrong now.". Maya waved a hand through her hair, saying nothing. "But I also am aware that telling her the truth can fuck up everything. So yeah, it's more about... I just feel guilty, that's it. But maybe you're right, so just... Just forget everything I said, okay?" Carina cut short. She checked the time and started collecting her own things.

"Carina..." Maya muttered, a lump in her throat. She hated arguing with her wife. She hated seeing her so hurt. She hated being the reason why she was so hurt. The Italian turned around and looked at her, softly smiling.

"I'm not running away Maya, nor trying to avoid you." she said. "Meredith asked me to go to her place tonight, so that we can check the data we have collected this month. There will be Amelia too."

"Yeah, you told me." Maya responded, her eyes glued on the floor. She felt Carina's cold hand on her cheek and raised her head, slowly. Her gaze met her wife's, filled with a love she knew she didn't deserve at all.

"Ti amo, Maya. I'm just trying to understand how to navigate this whole situation, that's it. And having different opinions about it is valid. Your opinion is valid." she told her, aware that them arguing had probably triggered Maya. And she was right, indeed. The blonde faintly nodded and leaned against the wall. She couldn't stop but think about the year before, about her pushing Carina away with her petty and stubborn behavior.