Behind Every Pages

Chapter Thirty-six:

TW: This chapter contains themes of violence, strong language, including references to suicidal ideation, that may be disturbing to some readers.

Lestari

I don't know if I can keep going, if I can find the strength to get up each day. How can I go on living when I feel so tired and worn out? Can I just take a break, even for a little while? But from whom?

I want to see him, to hide in his embrace and let out all the pain and sorrow I'm feeling. Books used to help me escape reality, but now they're not enough. I need him, he's everything to me. I know he can help.

But how can I reach out to him when we're both hurting and struggling? We're both shattered, broken pieces struggling to find solace in the wreckage. I don't want to burden him with my problems, especially when he's facing his own battles alone.

Wala akong ginawa sa buong Linggo kundi umiyak at magtago sa mga mata ng tao. Halos hindi na ako lumabas sa bagong bahay namin sa malayong probinsya na hindi ko alam kung saan. Umalis kami ng wala akong alam. Nagising na lang ako sa isang hindi pamilyar na kwarto. Nawalan ako ng malay ng malaman kong,

Patay na ang Tito Alistair ko.

The man who rescued me, who cared for me, who became my father figure, the reason I always knew I wasn't alone. He was the reason I found solace in books, the reason Ezra and I met, a connection that seemed so improbable at the time. He was the bridge, the beacon that pulled me out of the darkness my father created, a ray of light.

How can I learn to forgive when a monster like my father exists?

"Tito," I whisper, choked with sobs, clutching his picture frame as I curl up on my bed, a small, fragile figure consumed by grief.

Bumukas ang pintuan at pumasok si Luther na nakasuot ng itim na long sleeve polo. Tumabi siya sa akin sa kama at hinawakan ang kamay ko.

"Tara na, Ate. Ihahatid na natin si Tito," mas lalong kumirot ang puso ko nang marinig iyon. Huling araw na ni Tito, halos hindi na ako bumababa sa burol niya na kami-kami lang naman ang tao. Kahit sa pamilya ko ay nagtatago na ako, wala na akong mukhang maihaharap.

I blame myself. I feel like it's all my fault. Kahit pa sinabi nilang hindi, pakiramdam ko ako lang dapat ang sisihin, ako na lang dapat ang namatay. Even though they say Uncle Alistair was a hero, that he took the bullet meant for my mother, I feel like I should have been there. If I had come home earlier, if I had listened to the chief officer who wanted to escort me, maybe I would have been with the police that day, maybe I could have saved him.

"I-I can't do this. I-I should be the one in his place," I sob, unable to control my tears.

"Ate! Please don't say that. It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself for what happened," Luther pleads, trying to comfort me.

"But if I had come home earlier, if I had listened, maybe T-Tito Alistair would still be alive," I whimper.

"Don't blame yourself, Ate. No one wanted this. He saved us. I-I couldn't even do anything. I failed too, Ate. I-I couldn't fight back, I couldn't protect them. It's worse to have been there and done nothing than to have not been there at all. So don't blame yourself. We're all hurting, but we know Tito did this to save us. He wouldn't want you to be like this!" Luther's voice cracks with emotion, his own pain mirroring mine. I fall silent, tears streaming down my face. He's blaming himself too, and it's even more painful. Being there and doing nothing. I understand his pain, the frustrating helplessness of it all, the agonizing realization that even in the face of danger, we are powerless to change the course of fate.

"I-I’m sorry," agad akong yumakap sa kaniya.

"Please, stop blaming yourself. It's not your fault. Things happen for a reason, even if it hurts. Stop isolating yourself. Even for a moment, go down there and see Tito Alistair. He's waiting for you." Luther's voice is filled with a deep sadness, a reflection of the pain that consumes us all. I nod, unable to speak.