237 Days

Part 1. chap.1 Celestia

9 June 2023
I can't breathe
I am dying
I'm shaking
I need to sit down
Shit
Shit
Shit
I am too young to die yet
I don't wanna die
I am dying
I can't breathe
I can hear my heart pounding in my chest
I am dying
I feel like I am dying
Shit
Shit
Shit
Someone help me
Please
No one can help you
You are worthless
Just do it already
I got to call him

No! He caused you pain!

It's absurd
I am dying
I can't even hold the water bottle, my vision got blurry, I could feel my face heat up, I could sense the blood running in my veins, cold.
My hands are sweaty
I am moving everywhere, walking but that's only the physical effects of what is happening to me, in my mind it's even more messy.
My mind is Chaos, the ocean during a storm.

Don't think of it
Don't think of it
Don't.Think.of.it
What do I do

Kill yourself

Shit
Shit
Shit
I am crying even harder now.

Inhale
Exhale

Do something
Just do it
I am dying

You're not but you will
Breath
DO SOMETHING

"God, why does this keep happening to me?" I yelled out loud Maybe someone's gonna hear me from the neighbors.
Maybe he would hear me.

Deep inside I want to die, I don't want help, I don't want to to stay alive anymore, it doesn't matter if I do stay alive no one wants me here anyway, I have no one left.

I went toward the bathroom, I felt my body stop moving for a second.
Do something
"I am doing something," I said to the voices in my head
I should Call someone.
I should- I-
No
Open the bathroom door.

I pushed to door wide open, went to the bathtub, and opened cold water on myself, I need to clear my thoughts.
No need, everything is already clear.

I am wet and cold.
Shit
I am crying

I am in the bathtub fully clothed, cold water running on me, I can feel it consuming me running in my bones, with tears running down my cheeks.
What have I become?

Listen to me
"No"
You are such a disappointment
You suck
U better die
If you die you won't feel this pain anymore
"Shut up" I am becoming weaker and weaker

Suffer

I placed both of my hands on each side of my head covering my face.
"Leave me alone p-please"
I am so tired
I can't hear these voices anymore.

They want me to die

You have nothing to live for anyway anymore. The voice in my head echoed these words each time even louder.

Standing up, my clothes were all wet, dripping on the floor.
I went and opened the cabinet,searching for my medicines, when I found it I took the white bottle of pills.

I feel alone
I feel numb
I feel nothing
A shaky breath left my mouth
I need help
I know it but I don't wanna get help

I am staring at the white bottle in my shaky hand.

I can't get help, I am the one always helping others, someone who's supposed to be perfect can't get help.
I won't get help
You don't need help
Just do it already.

No, I don't
You don't need help
"I won't get help, I am Fucked" I spoke, still holding the white bottle in my hand staring at for a while before making my mind.
Twisting the cao open my hands were shaking even more, almost giving up on me.

"Fuck you James, Fuck you too" I said to myself speaking to the voices inside my head, the voice that has such control over me.

"No you are not me" and that's when my panic attack became a mental breakdown.
I am crying again
I feel nothing
I feel numb

My knees felt like Jelly, I couldn't stand up anymore, I fell down kneeling on the floor my head hanging low.
I was staring at the pills lying in my hand now, the tears never stopping.

I am thinking but I don't know what I am thinking about.
It's been days since I've holding those tears.
Days since I've found a reason to stay alive.

Ten good minutes passed by, and I was just sitting there, the water from earlier dried on my skin.

"I might just do it after all." And in one swift motion, these pills were in my mouth, not thinking twice anymore, I took a cup of water and swallowed them, I let them consume me, take over me, I let them kill me.

I took a deep breath staring at the ceiling.
I heard my phone ringing and suddenly the bathroom door flew open and it was him.
"Celestia !" He spoke
You should have locked it.

I took another deep breath, one last breath before closing my eyes.
Hopefully forever.