Maddie

Chapter 4

!TW- Anxiety, PTSD, Panic Attack!

Maddies pov:
I've been sitting in my room sitting on the edge of my new bed for a long time now. I don't really know how to take all this in. Dusk has started to fall and makes the room now a little darker than before. My own teddy bear sits next to the new one on the bed, and the contrasts between them are very clear.

A slight knock on my door interrupts my thoughts. Shortly after the knock, the door opens gently.
"Hey, is everything okay?" asks Charlie standing in the doorway with the door ajar. I nod doubtfully at him.
"Dinner is ready, just come down when you feel ready" he continues and smiles softly at me before closing the door behind him.

With a lump in my stomach, I slowly walk out of my room and into the kitchen. The smell of food fills the air, a warm smell of freshly baked bread. When I enter the kitchen, I'm greeted by an already set table - three white plates on the table with cutlery next to them, as well as a glass of water each. Nick and Charlie, who are already sitting at the table, smile happily when they see me and I slowly walk towards the only available chair left. I'm worried and unsure of how to behave - I've never been to a family dinner before. At the orphanage, we had to sit as quietly as possible to avoid being scolded.
"Would you like some salad?" Nick says. I meet his encouraging gaze and silently nod back. As I set the salad down, I feel my hands begin to shake, and to try to hide it, I grip the cutlery tighter. The food on my plate looks good, but I don't feel so hungry right now. I glance at Nick and Charlie, who have already started eating and talking about everything and nothing. Their voices are calm and warm, and it makes me feel a little bit more relaxed.

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see Nick turn towards me.
"We thought we'd start with some routines so you get into everything and know what to expect," he says, looking at me. I say nothing as I see that he is about to continue his sentence.
"That's why we thought that now when dinner is done you might want to take a bath and then we ca...". His voice fades away and my thoughts take over all my attention instead. My heart starts beating faster and my breathing quickens. Do I have to take off my clothes in front of another guy? Again? I close my eyes tightly and before me I see images from the orphanage coming back. I'm no longer in Nick and Charlie's kitchen, I'm back in the hospital room at the orphanage. In front of me stands Mr. Smith with his white coat and big, dirty hands. He has just asked me to take off my clothes and he has then checked on my private parts. It's like I can feel his hands running over my body now, and I can still hear his calm but unpleasant voice whispering in my ear.
"Don't scream," he says. The memories take over my mind, my whole body, and I can't move.

After a moment, which feels like an eternity, I hear a voice - a voice that is not Mr. Smith.
"Maddie, can you hear me" says the voice and I nod slightly, still having my eyes closed.
"Can you try breathing with me?" asks the same voice. Together we take a few deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth. Slowly I open my eyes and see Nick crouching in front of me. A lump forms in my stomach and I feel tears threatening behind my eyes.
"Sorry.." I whisper with a shaky voice. Nick shakes his head and gently puts a hand on my shoulder. Without thinking, I flinch and push his hand away. He looks at me thoughtfully before his expression quickly changes to understanding.
"You have nothing to be sorry about". I try to speak and tell them both that I myself don't even know what's going on, but the words don't come out. A silence quickly fills the room and I feel the panic start to creep back into my body. Charlie, sitting next to me on his chair, gently asks if I can tell them what made me react so strongly. I know what Mr.Smith said would happen if anyone found out what he did to us at the orphanage.
"Sorry.. but.. I.. I can't".