Maddie

Chapter 7

!TW - Anxiety, Silent Panic Attack!

November

Maddies pov:
Today is a month since I came home to Nick and Charlie for the first time. The routines are slowly but surely starting to settle in, and I dare to talk a little more now than I did at the beginning. It's like the words are coming out more easily, but there's still some hesitation inside me. I try to keep my distance and not get too attached to them. Partly because I know I won't stay here forever, but also because I'm afraid - I don't know them that deeply yet. It just feels safer to keep certain things hidden - you can't always let everyone know everything.

It's November 12th and today is my first day of school. The thought of it is a mixture of excitement and worry. I've never set foot in a real school before - what's that like? How should I behave? What do you do all day in a place like that? The questions are spinning in my head and make me feel like a fish on land, like I might not belong to be there.

My room is currently a mess. Clothes are scattered everywhere, like a chaotic explosion from my small brown suitcase lying open on the floor. After what feels like an eternity of searching, my fingers finally get hold of my only mended garment – ​​a simple blue dress. I hold it up and hope it will be good enough for the day.

–

I nervously take a grip at the shoulder straps of my new backpack as I now stand outside the large building that will be my school from now on. There is a cold feeling outside the building, it has tall windows and thick stone walls. My heart beats incredibly hard in my chest and I feel a big lump of anxiety in my stomach. I've just waved goodbye to Nick who drove me here, and right now I'm just standing here - all alone.

I take a deep breath and then enter through the heavy doors to the building. A strong smell of old wood strikes me immediately. The corridor in front of me looks long and cold, reminding me of the corridors of the orphanage. There are long rows of wooden lockers packed tightly along the walls, and I also see some students standing in small groups, talking. They whisper and giggle as I walk by, but even though I try to hold my head high, I feel their gazes burning in the back of my neck. The whispers are just whispers, I hear no words. My heart suddenly starts beating even faster than before. My hands start to sweat and I feel my whole body start to heat up. The corridor feels like an endless maze, with people, doors and classrooms everywhere. I'm trying to think of what Nick said in the car on the way here; that school should be a place to learn and grow. But right now his words don't feel so convincing. This mostly feels like a place to be lost and feel like a freak.

After much searching I finally arrive at the classroom I have been looking for. I stop at the door, unable to move. The air starts to feel heavy and I struggle to breathe normally. I peek into the classroom through the small window in the door. Chairs and benches are in long rows, all filled with students who already seem to know exactly what to do. At the far end of the room, a teacher is standing at a large blackboard. She stands with her back to me, and her hand moves quickly across the board as she writes.

I try to take a deep breath before stepping into the classroom. Quickly, everyone turns their eyes to me and the entire classroom falls silent. I close the door behind me and look at the teacher, who just then turns around.
"Oh hey, you must be Maddie? You can sit over there next to Emma" she says, pointing to an empty chair at the corner of the classroom, the place closest to the window.

I walk over to the bench and sit on the free chair next to a girl. Her hair is shiny black and she has kind eyes that look at me when I sit down next to her. Nervously, I pick up my books and pencils from my bag and place them on the bench in front of me with shaky hands. The girl next to me, Emma, ​​leans towards me.
"Don't worry, everyone is nervous on the first day. I was super nervous too when I started here last year" she whispers. Her words are soothing and I notice my heart suddenly start to beat a little slower. I nod at her and give her a quick smile.