BEHIND THEIR MIEN

CHAPTER 36- NATALIE

His lips moved softly against mine, hands gently caressing my face. This was real. Really happening. He loves me, he just said that he loves me and he wants me....but why is it that I couldn't feel it? Or is it that I am afraid of it?

I pulled away from him and looked in his desperate eyes. I could see the desperation in his eyes but I couldn't understand how he could love someone like me. He can have so many more women matching his status and value.. more than me, definitely better than me.

"Nathan... Can you leave me alone for tonight... just tonight. My head's not clear from what just happened between me and ...her. I just need some time to think and rationalize my thoughts. I appreciate you being honest about your feelings and intentions... but I don't think I am in the right state of mind right now to think about it" I say to him with an almost broken voice because leaving me alone is the last thing I want from him. But my mind is too clouded from mom's confession and it hurts too much.

I turned away from him and laid down on the mattress, holding my tears in, waiting for him to leave. I was too overwhelmed by now. I thought I was strong enough to forget and move on but I wasn't.

Maybe staying oblivious to the fact that my own mother abandoned me out of jealousy and ruined my life was better than seeking out the truth. She ruined me, broke me, shattered me and she isn't apologetics about it.

Warm arms wrapped around my waist pulling me back to him. It took me by surprise but more to my surprise that it felt good.... his arms felt safe, something I haven't ever felt.

"I am never going to leave you alone Nat. You can cry all you want, its lifetime of hurt and resentment. You don't have to hold yourself, you too are just a human, you were just a little girl who didn't deserve any of those monstrous things happening to you. You deserved so much better." He said whispering in my ears and I turned around searching his face, maybe to see why he was so gentle towards me.

"The little girl in you is still scared and hurt. Give her closure. Tell her that she grew up to be a strong independent fierce woman who now protects girls like her. That nothing can ever hurt her now. Tell that little girl that she now has a family that loves her and from now on she is going to get all the love and care she deserves in the world.

Tell that little girl that I am the most thankful to her for holding on to the very last hope in this life, for keeping you alive. Tell that little girl that no one's ever going to hurt her anymore and that she is going to be at peace. Tell her that she is finally safe. Tell her that you still take care of Mary and can grow old with her son.

Tell her that she's been really brave and strong and now she can finally leave, tell her to trust me, that I will take care of you from now on.

Tell her that she can finally break those walls around her and fly like a free bird, that she doesn't have to feel isolated and trapped anymore. Tell her not to blame herself for trying to protect her family, tell her that her decisions lead to Mary having a nice life. Tell her to let go of the grief, resentment and pain. Tell her that now you are not alone, not anymore. Tell her your goodbye" he said as I broke down in his arms crying like a baby. All the pain and anger I felt towards the world was slowly hurting more yet leaving. I crawled my nails at his chest in my anguish but he just stayed holding me as my chest pained and burnt with anger and hurt.

I opened my eyes briefly and saw an 18 year old me standing at the corner of the wall, smiling at me with a tear stained face, nodding at me.

Live for yourself now, for once be selfish, it's all right. I always hoped for someone to save me, you became a person I always searched for. You become a person we wished for. Let me go now...I'm too tired.