because I met you | billie eilish

your hoodie

A few days had passed since the argument. I had to distract myself with anything and Madi has helped a lot with that. But the quiet moments alone brought the memories coming back forcing me to think about Billie.

"Madi! what are you doing today!" I yelled from my room

I started to search in my closet for a hoodie to wear. As I pushed aside clothes, my hand brushed against a fabric that felt familiar but not mine. I pulled it out and immediately realized it was Billie's hoodie that I wore the night of the party.

I held it in my hands, I thought about putting it back and hiding it from my sight. Instead, I brought the hoodie to my face, inhaling deeply, allowing myself a moment of weakness, a moment to miss her terribly. 

Madi walked in my room and stared at me

"Kaia is coming- the fuck are you doing" Madi paused "you know what, never mind" she walked out

I know that Billie and I needed to talk. so I decided it was time to return the hoodie hoping that will break the awkwardness. 

I folded the hoodie neatly and placed it in a bag, along with a short note:

Billie,

I Found this and thought you might want it back. I miss talking to you. If you ever feel like it, I'd like to clear the air. No expectations, just whatever happens, happens.

-Malia

I texted Billie, asking if I could stop by to drop something off. She responded quicker than I expected, a simple "Okay" that gave nothing away but at least told me she was willing to see me.

"i'll be back" I told Madi as I grabbed my keys.

Madi looked at me and smirked "Billie?"

I nodded "I swear if I see her I'll bawl my eyes out"

"you could beat her ass" she shrugged.

The drive over was nerve-wracking, each mile my leg started jumping more and more. When I finally arrived, I took a deep breath before stepping out of the car. Billie opened the door as I was about to set it on the ground, her expression unreadable. I handed her the bag without a word, our fingers brushing briefly.

"Thanks," Billie said quietly, her eyes looked down to the bag then back to me.

As Billie held the bag with her hoodie, her expression unreadable, I felt a need to tell her something.

"I just need you to know that I'm sorry and I hope you're doing okay," I said, the words soft but sincere. It felt important to let her know that despite everything, her happiness mattered to me.

Billie looked up, surprise flickering across her features. "Thanks, Malia," 

 "I'm here if you need to talk, as a friend," I told her.

Billie's voice raised. "That's just it, Malia! That's the main thing—I don't want to be just friends!" 

"Billie, you know Kari said I can't date other coworkers. It's not just about what I want," I reminded her.

"That doesn't matter!" Billie retorted quickly.

"It does matter, Billie. I can't just ignore the rules. I don't want to get fired because of this," I told her, my voice firm.

Billie shook her head, her voice softening slightly. "You're overreacting, Malia. It doesn't have to be that complicated."

I took a deep breath. "Billie, I have boundaries. We both do," I said. "And right now, those boundaries mean we stay friends. That's all we can be."

Billie looked away, her jaw tightening. After a moment of tense silence, she spoke again. "I have boundaries too, Malia. And my feelings... they don't just switch off because it's inconvenient."

"Billie, if we had met at a different time, under different circumstances, maybe it could've been more. But right now, I see you as my friend, and that's where I need it to stay," I explained, my own voice cracking with the weight of the confession.

Billie nodded slowly, her eyes meeting mine with a mixture of sadness and understanding. "I get it, Malia. Just... give me some time, okay?"

"Of course," I said.

Walking away, I knew that maintaining this distance was necessary, for both our sakes, but it didn't make the reality any less painful.