Everything was in order. Sam was looking at yet another mental hospital called Whispering Pines. Dean suggested that maybe they take a break from mental hospitals and maybe they could help Cas heal, even though they could use some therapy themselves. But they knew that Cas was very sick. He started losing weight again. Ezra caught him purging food that Sam and Dean made him eat.
On a Thursday evening, Cas was sitting outside, staring at nothing, whenever Ezra approached him, sitting across from him. ''Hey, Cas...'' He said quietly. Cas looked up, smiling a bit. ''Hey, Ezra...'' ''Look, you are back home, right? That is all that you ever wanted. You are with people who love and care about you. It has been a few months now...and you almost died after Elara and I just...I mean, Lilly and all the other patients went back to their families, and Hollowed Creek is shut down now. I have recovered greatly from my kleptomania, and I really think that you can get better, Cas. I do not want to lose you again...'' Cas looked down, taking Ezra's words seriously, he was not going to take his own life again, but he had a plan.
''Yeah...maybe you are right I just...'' He looked down. ''Xerces...'' He whispered. ''What?'' Ezra asked. Cas hit himself in the head. ''I CAN NEVER GET BETTER UNTIL XERCES GOES AWAY.'' Ezra seemed surprised. He had never seen Cas like this before. ''Hey hey...please do not hit yourself. Just...slow and steady...steady and slow...that is the way to go...ok? Just take a deep breath and tell me who Xerces is wherever you are ready...ok?'' Cas nods, taking a shaky breath. ''I am so sorry I just...once Elara brought that up and I gotten mad because I never talk about that...somehow Meg found out about it but...yeah...um...Xerces is-'' Before he could continue, Dean came out with Sam. ''Hey, guys. We are going to hit a vamp nest real quick. Will you 2 be ok here?'' Ezra and Cas both nodded. Sam given Ezra a nod of his head, their secret code that meant ''keep an eye on the mentally ill angel.'' Ezra nodded back, twice, and Sam and Dean were off.
''So what were you saying?'' Ezra asked kindly. ''Why must you guys treat me like a child? Oh wait... a dumb question...I tried to kill myself and I am getting worse.'' ''Cas...we are not trying to treat you like a child. We just care about you.'' Cas sighed. ''I don't know anymore...i want to go on a walk...alone...'' ''I am sorry but I cannot let you do that.'' ''I knew that free will was just an illusion!!'' ''Cas, please just...'' He sighed. ''How about we go on a walk together?'' ''Alright...i don't know how strong I am but we can go as far as we are comfortable with.'' Ezra nodded as they exited the bunker and started down the road. There was not much around, really. Mostly country. But Cas liked the quiet. He found solace in nature. ''Lucifer is real, you know,'' Cas said quietly as they walked down the dirt road. ''Oh yeah?'' Ezra replied, interested. ''Yes...he does not have horns and a tail like you think. He actually just looks like you and I. He is in a vessel named Nick. He has dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, and a really creepy smile. He is about as bad as you could imagine, though. He tortured poor Sam for the longest time.'' ''Really? That must have been awful...'' ''It was. He was severely sleep-deprived because Lucifer was in his head all the time, and he could not sleep for like 5 days. He had to go to a psych ward too.'' ''Oh my...'' ''Yeah...eventually, I felt so bad about breaking the wall in his head that kept the memories from hell from fronting, that I just taken the hallucinations for myself. But that is not what caused all these other issues now. I only seen Lucifer for about a day, but...then I just really opened my eyes. Everybody thought that I was crazy but...looking back on it now, it was amazing.'' Ezra smiled a bit. ''Yeah, I bet. So..how do you see the world now?'' Ezra asked. Cas shrugged. ''I mean, I have hallucinations sometimes and every now and then, things deceive me. Like sometimes whenever I see your face, there is a glitch for a second, and it is not you. But...yeah. I do not really know how to describe it.''
They continued walking for a bit, until Castiel said, ''I think that we should stop now.'' Ezra nods. ''No problem.''
They headed back to the bunker, mostly in silence. Whenever they finally arrived, they sat down. ''Hey, I am going to fix you something to eat, ok?'' Cas nodded, even though he did not want to eat. He had tried lying, saying that he gotten his grace back but Sam and Dean were not buying it for a second.
Eventually, Ezra came back with a plate of some leftover spaghetti that Sam had made the other night. Cas looked down at it with terror in his eyes. He could just imagine all the calories in the noodles plus the spaghetti sauce...it made him sick just thinking about it. {An empty stomach always feels better than a full stomach.} He thought. He decided that maybe he could distract Ezra. He pushed the spaghetti around on his plate and started talking nonstop. He thought that his trick was going to work and he was going to dump the rest in the garbage disposal or the toilet, but not the rubbish because that was too obvious. But Ezra seen what was going on all too well. ''Cas. I see what you are doing. Please stop. Just take a few bites that is all I ask.'' Cas sighed shakily. ''Fine...'' {Maybe I can sneak into the bathroom afterward and purge it.} Cas slowly ate a quarter of the spaghetti before pushing the plate away.
YOU ARE READING
The Red Spiral𖦹
Fanfiction𖦹𖦹𖦹 in which Castiel slowly loses his grip on reality. trigger warning for eating disorders, self-harm, and suicide. (my biggest story yet !!)
