With Hope, the Beginning of Better

Chapter Two: A Part of Me Now

Inej

The ocean breeze pushed the sails of The Wraith forward, whipped Inej's coil of hair towards her face, and sprayed mist onto her face, giving her hair a frizzy look. She latched onto the net and let her body dangle towards the ocean, letting the ropes of the net catch her. Stray hairs tickled Inej's face, but she didn't let that tamper with her good mood. So this is what freedom feels like.

After the Menagerie and her indenture under Per Haskell, she'd forgotten what it felt like to be autonomous, to decide for herself. She'd realized much too late, but slipping into the shadows had become second nature to her. Now, however, through tiring but satisfying days, through days where she liberated others, she finally felt like she could finally control the path of her life to make it what she wanted it to be, to shine in the light rather than hide in the shadows.

So it definitely felt counterintuitive to go back to Ketterdam, even if it ultimately meant spending time with the Crows and getting more money to fund her expeditions.

But Ketterdam's a part of me now.

The contagious energy of that place, the people and their questionable morals, and the mines of secrets lurking behind each corner made up a distinct, irreplaceable part of her.

Truth be told, the city had held a different meaning for her when she'd left than when she'd first come there. It was the city where she'd met Kaz, Jesper, Nina, Wylan, and Matthias, the city where she'd braved her fears and defeated her monsters, and the city in which she was reunited with her parents. Now, she realized, she was making her way back to the wretched city that had simultaneously become a second home to her.

When she tried to explain everything that had happened to her to her parents, she'd understandably felt quite uncomfortable, but more than anything she'd wanted them to understand, to understand that while she wasn't the same person she was before, she'd always be their daughter, their zheji.

And they'd tried their best. They said that they'd support her no matter what and that they supported her relationship with Kaz. But no matter how much time they now spent with her, they could never experience the horrors she'd experienced and they'd never understand her love for her new life.

"Captain!" Specht called out to her from the mast, interrupting her thoughts, "Five bells till we reach Ketterdam!"

Ketterdam, here I come. The spider, the Wraith, Inej Ghafa.

Wylan

He was gasping, tears pricking his eyes. He attempted deep breaths, but that just made everything worse. So he did the next best thing, folding his knees up to his chest and hiding his face in a fetal position.

You're fine, he's not here. He can't reach you here. You belong here. You matter. You matter. You matter.

Logically he knew this, but deep inside, the fear clawed inside of him, begging to be let out. This was the room where his father had told him he was useless, the room where he told Wylan to never talk about his mother ever again, the room where he gave that look, the look that reeked of disappointment and aggression at once, threatening to drown him.

What scared him the most, though, was the day his father had beat him. He'd been eleven years old, finishing up some math problems on a table when his father had entered.

"I need to cure you," is all he had gritted out before Wylan felt a slap landing on his cheek. His eyes immediately watered from the pain but he pushed the lump in his throat down. The last thing he needed was to break in front of his father.

Van Eck wasn't done, however. Wylan's eyes widened when he saw the belt in his father's hand.

"You deserve this!" Jan Van Eck screamed at him, and with every blow, Wylan felt an insult radiating in his skull. Worthless, incompetent, mistake, moron.

He distinctly felt a tap on his shoulder, bringing him to the present. He looked up and saw Jesper looking at him with a concerned but accepting face. Jesper sat down and looked at him. "It's okay to cry, you know that, right? I'll be right here."

That broke the final string. Wylan buried his head in Jesper's shoulder and let the suffocating sobs in his chest out.

Jesper ran his hand through Wylan's hair. Wylan's heaving sobs eventually turned into quiet whimpers. They remained there for a while, Wylan hiccuping incrementally and Jesper leaning his head on Wylan's curls. Wylan felt glad Jesper was here, holding him up, but shame still lingered in his heart. Jesper hadn't gambled in months, although he was close on certain days, but still. Jesper didn't fall apart every time something reminded him of his past. Jesper was improving. So why wasn't he?

"Why am I so weak?" Wylan muttered. He finally looked into Jesper's eyes and saw his own reflection, his own eyes puffy and red-rimmed.

"You're not, Wylan," Jesper said, kissing his forehead, "You're one of the strongest people I've met. I'll be honest, when I first met you, I thought you were just a spoiled rich merchling. But you're so much more than that. You're brave when others run away. You remain good even when others try to push you down. In fact, out of the six of us, you and Inej were probably the only ones who'd even heard of a moral compass."

Wylan snorted halfheartedly, wiping away his tears of sadness and shame. "No, I think the only one of us without a moral compass is Kaz."