With Hope, the Beginning of Better

Chapter 7: When I Wonder Why

CWs: some suicidal thoughts (beginning from "No, everything is not alright" and ending with "Maybe that would make everything fine").

First of all, I really appreciate all of you reading my work as well as those who left kudos, comments, etc. This being my first fanfic, it really means a lot :).

That being said, I do plan on this being a very angst-heavy fanfic for all characters involved, just as a heads up. I do have some major fluff coming up in a couple of chapters, though :).

------------

Kaz

What was wrong with him? Kaz Brekker didn't care about anyone, least of all Wylan Van Eck. He was seriously considering jeopardizing the lives of the Dregs for revenge for the little runt. But why? Perhaps the circumstances reminded him too much of his own knee shattering and never healing back right. Perhaps it reminded him how with every avalanche, everything in his life cracked like a growing crevasse, with no hope of return.

He didn't want the same for Wylan, he realized. Or anyone. Except a few dozen people, now that he thought about it. Especially Pekka Rollins, Tante Heleen, and Jan Van Eck.

And there it was again. Pekka Rollins had screwed Kaz's life up in more ways than he could count and because of him, Kaz's life would never be what it could've been. Kaz knew this. Tante Heleen had tried to do the same to Inej, but Inej still persisted, unlike Kaz himself. He could be angry at Van Eck for kidnapping Inej. And he was, but there was something else, wasn't there?

Wylan reminded Kaz too much of himself, before. Before the Reaper's Barge, before the con, before Ketterdam. They both saw everything as a puzzle, and came to similar conclusions for solving those puzzles. Wylan had the same curious glint in his eye and drive for knowledge that Kaz saw in himself. Even if the merchling wouldn't admit it, Wylan was similar to Kaz in every important way, except for his stubborn morals and his lingering innocence. Though to be honest, even that felt questionable right now.

He felt Inej behind him before he heard her.

"Kaz, is everything alright?"

He gritted his teeth until pain settled in. He knew the truth.

No, everything is not alright, I haven't been fine in what feels like forever. I lost my mother, I lost Da, I lost Jordie, I lost Matthias, I lost Nina, I lost Jesper, and I lost you. I feel an all-encompassing pain every day, but I can't tell anyone. I feel trapped in this golden cage and it's slowly killing me inside. It's all pointless. I just want it all to stop. Maybe that would make everything fine.

He knew he could never say any of that. He'd never live it down. He was Dirtyhands, for Ghezen's sake. "I'm fine, Inej," he opted instead, controlling every minute muscle in his face in an attempt to convince her.

It would've worked on anyone else. But Inej could see right past his facade and got to the root of the issue. "It's not a bad thing to care about your friends, Kaz," Inej uttered gently.

"What are you talking about?" he gritted harshly, "I don't have any friends."

She looked slightly disappointed.

I'm sorry, I can't survive without my armor, especially when you're this close to breaking me.

"You know what I'm talking about. Wylan was injured and you're protective of him, just as you are protective of all of us. That's why you suggested the attack, even if in the long term it wouldn't have been the best course of action," she admitted. "And Kaz, if we aren't your friends, what are we to you? Just a spider, sharpshooter, and demolitions expert you can use whenever you like? You mean more than that to all of us, you know that?"