With Hope, the Beginning of Better

Chapter 10: My fault

Summary:

CWs: some guilt and grief over past events.

Notes:

I know it's been a long while since I've updated. I've faced huge writer's block and this is the result. It's personally not my best, but oh well.

Anyway, I really hope the characters (especially Kaz) don't seem too OOC.

Also, I'm also posting the next chapter very soon, which will be the beginning of part two: Demons.

Hope you enjoy!

Wylan

Brushing his curls from his eyes, Wylan looked at the hellhole that was his hometown. He saw the Ketterdam shoreline receding (much like his father's hairline, now that he thought about it), the smoggy grays and dull browns distancing themselves from him and coalescing into an ugly blur. He supposed the last time he'd looked at a coastline from a boat, he'd almost been killed but with a deep breath, he banished the thought from his mind, vowing to deal with it later.

He instead replaced those thoughts with other, somewhat sillier ones. He instead imagined the shore of Ketterdam with sand, ah yes, soft, beige sand, with those cute umbrellas that would prevent someone like him from getting sunburned. To add to that, he'd get himself and Jesper some fancy lemon water and that brownie from Keegan's that he never really got to try. Inej and Kaz would be there, as well. Inej would be splashing in the water with Jesper, and they'd both be trying to get each other wet. Kaz would...hit seagulls while swinging his cane, Wylan decided. He'd scream at the top of his lungs for the seagulls to leave him alone because dammit, he was a crow, for Ghezen's sake, not a cowardly water bird.

With that image in his mind, giggles escaped from his lips, eventually turning into snorts.

"What's so funny, Wy?" Jesper questioned as he hugged Wylan from the side, an eyebrow quirked curiously.

Wylan kept chuckling. "I...nothing. Just that Kaz..."

"I what?" Kaz said from behind him. Wylan and Jesper jumped in fright.

"Saints, you need to spend less time with Inej," Wylan wheezed, "I can't deal with two silent people. You two may as well be ghosts."

Jesper froze. Kaz's grip tightened on his cane, the sharp hilt of the steel crow digging into his glove, almost drawing blood. Wylan gulped as his fingers began to shake. He couldn't stop himself and began to imagine every possible action he could've done that fateful day. If I'd simply followed him, if I'd taken that path instead of the one I ended up taking, Matthias could still be alive. If...

Kaz frowned at Wylan, and if Wylan didn't know any better, he'd say that Kaz Brekker seemed almost worried for him. Right, I can't be distracted on the job. That's what it is. Nothing else.

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Wylan closed his eyes and pictured the layout of the imposing building. Huge glass pillars loomed over him. Large panes of glass let through beams of sunlight, illuminating the red curls over his eyes. What else?

"What else? Why do I have to be here?" Matthias grumbled as Wylan opened his eyes, too late realizing he must have said that last part aloud, "You're fully capable of doing this on your own."

Wylan said nothing and trained his eyes down. Once again he began sketching the walls of the Ice Court Embassy.

"Why are you here?" Matthias pondered, "You literally look twelve, for Djel's sake. Seem delicate enough to topple over in the wind."

Wylan finally looked up and decided to speak. "Delicate? Am I the one tied to a chair because I was a weak, manic hostage?"

Matthias's mouth was left hanging open as he sputtered.

"That's what I thought."

Wylan worked a while longer until he heard activity outside his room. He made his way over to the kitchen, got two meals, and made his way back to the room. He set one in front of Matthias and began eating from the other. When he looked up, Wylan saw that Matthias still hadn't touched his plate.

"Eat. It's not poisoned, I promise."

Matthias still didn't touch his plate. "I'm not hungry." Unfortunately, that was the exact moment Matthias's stomach decided to rumble.

Wylan couldn't help himself. He laughed until his stomach hurt. To his surprise, Matthias gave a small smile. Matthias sighed in seeming defeat and brought the food to his lips.

"You are slightly more tolerable than the others on this cursed boat," Matthias said grudgingly.

' I'd hope so,' Wylan thought, ' they don't exactly set a high bar.'

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Wylan smiled nostalgically at the memory. Oh, how times change. A year ago he saw them as nothing more than thieves and gangsters and now they were people he wouldn't hesitate to risk his life for. He tried not to let his memories of Matthias become tainted with sadness, preferring to remember him for the joy he caused. Somewhere along the line, however, Matthias had become somewhat of a taboo in their group.

He heard the door to his bedroom thump with the telltale sound of a crow cane. Wylan sighed. From where Kaz had acquired his taste in annoying Jesper and himself, Wylan did not know.

Wylan approached the door and opened it, an unimpressed brow raised.

"What?" he asked simply.

Kaz rolled his eyes. "Who knows where you got that attitude from. Wasn't from me. Wylan, I just wanted to talk."

Wylan opened the door and gestured for Kaz to come in.

"So...how's it going?" Kaz asked, "You ready?"

Wylan immediately became wary and narrowed his eyes. "Yes..."

Kaz rubbed a gloved hand over his face. "Okay, I'll cut to it. It wasn't your fault, Wylan."

"What are you talking about?"

"Matthias's death. It isn't your fault, Wylan. It's mine."

If it had been anyone else, Wylan would have hugged them. Instead, Wylan's eyes teared up. "No, hell, you were willing to give yourself up for us. I could have done something, I wasn't doing anything right then, I could've followed him, I could've saved him!"

"I was too busy with revenge to care for my own! I know you blame yourself. But not everything is your fault, Wylan."

"Neither is everything yours, Kaz," Inej stated as she entered the room with Jesper.

Jesper sighed. "You don't know if you could've saved him even if you were there. If anything, you may have died too."

Jesper and Inej went over and hugged Wylan. They each offered a hand to Kaz and Kaz grasped them through his gloves.

"We try to be better, okay? From now on, we share more with each other. And promise to not be so harsh towards ourselves."

"I'll try." It was the best he could promise.

Notes:

Next up: The first chapter of part two: Demons!