With Hope, the Beginning of Better

Chapter 13: What Our City Did To Us

Summary:

CWs: Vomiting, concussion, crying, haphephobia

Jesper

Jesper's eyes fluttered open at the crack of dawn. At first, confusion settled in. This was most definitely not the Van Eck mansion. Sand surrounded his body and stuck to his lime green pants. Waves lashed at his feet. He jumped back in fear, wanting nothing to do with them. Behind him, tall pine trees towered over him, covering him with a cool shade. Bushes lined the beginnings of a large forest. On the left, Jesper could make out a jagged mountain with substantial foliage.

Just then, the events of last night came back to him with full force. Right after, as if that hadn't been reminder enough, his chest began to rattle with wet coughs. His throat and chest felt raw, but he forced himself to get up. Wylan, Kaz, and Inej , he remembered. Where were they? Were they okay?

He looked around frantically, trying to find them. He sighed in relief as he saw them down the coastline. He sauntered over to Wylan.

Wylan was sitting on a wooden plank, his eyes unfocused. He barely noticed as Jesper sat beside him. Jesper went next to him and hugged him from the side. Rather than relaxing into his arms, as he usually did, Wylan flinched away from him.

"Hey, hey. Is everything alright? Did I do something?" Jesper asked cautiously, concern lining his features.

Wylan shuddered. "It's not your fault. You didn't know." His eyes were guarded but simultaneously held an everlasting sadness to them. Jesper felt his heart clench in his chest.

"But that's the thing, Wylan," Jesper said softly, "We live together but we barely tell each other anything. I don't know anything about you from before the Barrel."

"Can't I say the same for you?" Wylan countered angrily. He turned away from Jesper and hugged his own body.

Jesper calmed his breathing down. He didn't like disappointing people and wanted minimal confrontation.

"Hey, let's talk about this later, okay?" Jesper asked, looking at Wylan. Please let this work, he prayed, though to whom, he had no idea.

"Yeah, okay," Wylan mumbled, so quiet Jesper had to crane to hear him.

Jesper tried to find Inej and Kaz. He saw them near the bushes. Inej was beside Kaz, talking to him comfortingly while Kaz was bent over, vomiting in the bushes.

"Oh, Saints," Jesper mumbled softly as he approached them.

"Hey, how's Kaz?" Jesper questioned Inej worriedly once he was beside her.

"Not great," Inej sighed, "He lost his cane so his leg is worse than usual, I think he has a concussion, maybe that's why he passed out, he may be sick, and he's suffering from...memories."

"What do you mean?" Wylan asked.

"Honestly...I don't know," she muttered with a heavy weight, "And even if I did, it wouldn't be my place to say."

As Wylan looked around in his bag for something to help Kaz, Jesper looked around him until he saw something that caught his eye.

"Hey, I'll be right back," he said to Inej and Wylan, "You guys can stay here."

Jesper found a clearance between two bushes and made his way into the forest. Jesper peered up. The trees were tall, with huge healthy leaves creating substantial shade on the forest floor. Pockets of sunlight peeked through and shone on tiny saplings and on Jesper like tiny spotlights. A twisty, crooked path presented itself to Jesper and he began to traverse it, making sure not to go near any of the Ravkan poisonous insects his mother had told him about. Finally, he found what he wanted. He picked up multiple sturdy sticks that were about half his height, took long, thick grasses and wrapped and knotted them around the sticks, then tested his weight on it. Satisfied, he took his contraption back to the beach.

"Well," Jesper started, "Could this work as a temporary cane?"

Wylan took the cane in his hands and seemed to test it. Inej took it from him and subjected the cane to her own tests. They both nodded, giving their approval.

By now, Kaz had seemed to shake himself out of his stupor and had grabbed the cane from Inej. Kaz pushed himself up unsteadily with the makeshift cane. He gave a small smile and a grateful nod to Jesper.

"Can you show me how this works? It's different from my other cane."

Jesper nodded and reached out to grab the cane. However, just as his hands were about to circle the wood, a tiny bit of the upper part of his palm brushed Kaz's skin. Kaz immediately recoiled back and fell in a sitting position in front of a tree. Hugging himself into a fetal position, he began gasping and panting like a spooked animal. His eyes seemed far away in a worse place and sorrowful tears began leaking out as his shoulders began shaking with sobs.

Kaz covered his mouth as another sob overtook him. "Jordie..." he choked out in a mournful cry, "don't leave me. Don't leave me!"

The panting got faster, and Inej sat beside him, making sure not to touch him. She began to talk about various topics, from her life in the Suli caravan to her visit with Nina to reminding Kaz of their own shared experiences, hoping to distract him. Eventually, Kaz's panting seemed to get slower until the only thing that remained were heaving breaths and residual tears.

I did that, Jesper thought, his eyes downcast, Why don't I ever do anything right?

"You just rest here for a little while, okay?" Inej instructed Kaz as her voice cracked slightly and her eyes softened with worry.

Kaz listened to her and within a few minutes, his eyes were shut, though his sleep looked far from peaceful. He resembled a little boy trembling, faced with unforgiving monsters in his sleep against which he could do absolutely nothing except watch in fear. Perhaps that's what scared Kaz Brekker more than anything. Feeling powerless.

Jesper looked around at all of them. Wasn't that what scared them all? That was their motivation behind everything, wasn't it? Hiding themselves behind fabricated facades. Not telling anyone about their pasts, even when it started to eat them up inside. Pretending to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders, even when they didn't know who they truly were. Risking their lives before allowing themselves to be vulnerable.

For all its bright colors and evergoing excitement, that's what Ketterdam took from people. Their childhood innocence, their freedom to feel , their belief in their ability to belong, all more prematurely than they might've had to face otherwise, if at all.

The silence wrapped itself around him and began to suffocate him, making him known of his guilt. You did this. You did this.

But this may have never happened had he known. Not about what happened in Kaz's past, that was private. Jesper had known Kaz for years. Didn't he think an aversion to touch might be something to mention? Or did Kaz still not trust him? A jealous pang ran through him but he pushed it down. That's not what Kaz needed right now. He needed someone to help him. They all did.

Notes:

I know you guys may not agree with me but the reason why Kaz behaves the way he does (which isn't his usual way of acting) is because of the concussion, which he got while swimming and banging his head on the wood plank. I have personal experience with this, but concussions make you way more emotional than you usually are. Along with this, Jesper wasn't awake for this but Kaz had woken up not knowing where he was (temporary memory loss) and that can be especially daunting and jarring.