With Hope, the Beginning of Better

Chapter 14: I Won't Let It Consume You (It'll Consume Us Together)

Summary:

CWs: dissociation, crying, mentions of the Menagerie

Notes:

Here is the next chapter! It's a bit on the shorter side. 

Hope you enjoy :)

Inej

Inej stood completely still, her eyes unfocused. Her hair was unkempt and hopelessly messy. Her hands were trembling, but she barely noticed. She wasn't thinking, she couldn't think. Because when you feel too trapped to fight and too trapped to flee, you just...freeze.

Kaz had finally slept, so she'd distanced herself from her friends, giving the excuse along the lines of finding a place for shelter. But as she'd walked along the coastline, she couldn't miss the similarities between this place and the place where she was taken from her family. The same trees, the same sand, the same weather even... I can't do this.

Then she thought about Wylan flinching. Kaz huddling in on himself to try to gain some sort of control against his demons. Jesper feeling guilty. All those emotions and more were forming themselves into an ache in her throat. She felt herself again turning into that helpless girl at the Menagerie. Having all her firsts stolen away. Trying to send her consciousness out of her body. Questioning her will to live. But you can defend yourself now, you can do so much more.

That only succeeded in amplifying her sorrow and she couldn't do anything but collapse on the ground and start weeping. Thick, salty rivers made their way down her cheeks and dropped on her thighs as her shoulders shook against her will. She must've been louder than she'd thought because soon after she saw Jesper sitting down in front of her, holding his hands open. Inej nodded and Jesper wrapped his hands around her and she weeped still harder into his shoulder.

They sat in silence for what felt like hours until Inej couldn't take it anymore.

"Why?" Inej cried out.

"Inej..." Jesper muttered as tears filled his own eyes.

"Just as I think I'm getting better, something just slams me in the face and I'm back there. It's gone, it's literally gone, but my head won't let it go. What am I supposed to do, Jesper?"

"I...I can't tell you, Inej."

Inej sensed what he didn't say. I have the same question.

Finally, Jesper spoke. "I have no idea what you went through, and I never can know. And I know it'll affect you for a long time. But...know that I'm here. That I'll listen to you, be a shoulder for you to cry on. I'll try to help you. Because that's what friends do. And if you ever need to tell me something or ask something from me, I'm right here. And so are your other friends. Kaz, Wylan, Nina. They're here to help you too."

Her gaze blurred as she remembered what Specht had told her a few months prior. Don't bottle it up inside. It'll consume you up.

She'd never felt so grateful for the people around her than she had in that moment.

Her fingers grasped the necklace her parents had given her of Sankta Marya and unclasped it from her neck. She put it around Jesper's neck. Inej knew right then that she had made the right decision.

"To help you be strong," Inej stated when Jesper opened his mouth, "and to remind you that you're not alone either. I know you don't believe in the Saints, but in Suli culture, we give these to commemorate the bond between siblings. You are like a brother to me, and I will always protect you."