Dₑₗᵢᵣᵢᵤₘ

𝙵 𝚁 𝙴 𝙴 𝙵 𝙰 𝙻 𝙻

It's fascinating.

Ana thought. As usual, she was very fascinated by the world.

She hated adrenaline. She hated people who lived over it.

She sat holding a cigarette limply between her fingers. She wore a huge black puffy jacket and black jeans. Thanks to her cap and jawline, unless someone stared at her , her gender won't be revealed.

She thought how she grew up.

How she was free falling.

She was over this hill, full of flowers where she played the whole day and where her mum fed her and put her to sleep. Where she read fairytales about how much better the life after leaving this hill be.

She made a lot of lists to fulfil,that she can't now. That she'll do after leaving the hills.

She wanted to go to Japan at first. She was nine or ten. She wanted to buy one of those movable car houses, she wanted to buy a coffin for bed and a extravagant tea set and a lot of flavoured teas . She wanted to open a vloging channel and even made a list of vlogs she'll make.

As she grew up, her dreams went a bit degenerate . It was way too explicit but let's say it included marrying Kang Taehyun and yeah she had a huge plan for that. She cringed at the memory.

Then as she grew, and Corona hit, and she watched a lot of animes and spent too much time hearing her mum shouting. Then her dreams just converted to watching animes in a closed room and dying and disappearing into thin air.

And after that, she got way too inspired by Mikey. She had always been a Yankee wannabe. But alas the era wasn't a bosozoku era. But seeing Mikey inspired her to no bounds and she took bosozoku revival a little too seriously.

And she got into too much fighting and almost ended up in jail. She shivered at the memory again. Too much reminiscing is gonna give her a heart attack.

That was surely a turning point though. Her parents grew extremely mean and ruby left.

Then it was her lonely times with Rachel and Sara, that really wasn't so bad.

They played and walked everyday. It was fun really, maybe the friend group being small was better. Given that she no longer had to fake it.

Then it was Suzaku. Everything came shattering down.

She wondered why Suzaku changed her so much. She knew him for a concerningly short time. But he changed her completely, beyond recognition.

And she spent a concerningly long 1 year wanting to be just the skinniest girl in the whole world. That was six months ago.

She now though, that she wants to be great. Something her mind never wanted or expected.

Maybe it was the 1st of January, when she came back from her maternal grandmother's house and her mum said that she should probably study.

And she thought that maybe she should as she opened the new maths book, studying. She was awed that day because she received her annual exam results the previous day. She woke up with a heart hurting way too much and made her way to the school with Zalyn. Zalyn the honour student.

She was wearing a simple one piece dress with a cardigan and skinny jeans that didn't fit skinny.

The clothes hung on her, her bangs framing their face, her signature glasses on her nose and she sat fidgeting.

She knew she looked pretty and knew that she was gonna pay for that now.

Six months spent on total transformation, she lost twenty kg in total and that wasn't gonna result in anything but her failing.

She was so scared that when she got the results paper,that she decided she won't look at it. She clutched it, grabbed zaylenes hands, who has already received hers and walked out, scared.

"Ana, wait. What about your results?"

"I don't wanna see, sorry"

"Come on it doesn't make sense"

"I'll make my mother see it for me"

"Let me see atleast "

Zaylene had snatched the blue paper away as ana had shit her eyes. When she opened them, she saw zaylene s darkened expression and saw she came 31 out of 100 student, not at all bad.

Zaylene fell from grace that term and got behind Ana, something that was beyond unexpected.

Maybe that's why the next year, Ana felt indebted to her studies. So she studied a lot till then.

But that wasn't the only factor.

It was infact that, during one of her peaceful days in her flower hill, her parents suddenly gently pushed her.

And she fell head on .

And she was free falling now.

She was happy at first, that she'll land to the long awaited Dreamland.

And slowly realising that she might not, she didn't control where she'll fall, it's up to gravity.

And if she wanted to fall where she wanted, she had to work for it instead of daydream.

The day she recieved her unexpected results , a lot of aunts asked her her results, and was happy for her.

And asked if she's lost more weight from last time.

And she realised that maybe, wanting to be different, wanting to be loved, the things she wanted her whole life maybe didn't require to be a Prodigy artist, guitarist or hoodlum as she had thought.

The shortcut was just studying.

Bad girls are common nowadays either way, good girls are the rare thing.

So she decided to take the easy path, just study, you can hardly go wrong with that. Like, even if you do go wrong, people can't blame you that way.

Opening a YouTube channel without any microphone, recording item and not even knowing how to get vevo and recieving ton of hate is harder anyway.

Now she's almost convinced herself that her happiness laid in studying too.

Like, no matter what, her dreams has always been leaving this damn east Asia . She wanted to go to harvard, or Yale and be dark academic.

And now she was free falling, without ever learning how to fly.

Why did she scorn at her genius classmates even? She now looked at them enviously as they fly gracefully, knowing exactly where to land.

And she flaps and try to fly, yet fall uncontrollably.

Yet she didn't know when her dreams got big enough to completely consume her. When her routine became her identity. When succeeding became the only way to live.

She no longer fulfilled dreams to live at this point but live so that she can fulfill her dreams

Maybe some day, she'll land somewhere. And she's scared it might not be where she wants.

And she can't blame anyone for that.

She's so whimsical.

She changed her colour uncountably in the last sixteen years.

Yet she won't give up, cause if it does, her life just won't stop for her.

Unless she stopped it herself.