Dₑₗᵢᵣᵢᵤₘ

.•°𝕱𝖗𝖔𝖘𝖙°•.

Cold.
Icy.

Ana was scared of it all.

To anyone outside, even to her father, she knew how she and her mum appeared.

Her mum, always angry - excited- emotional about news.
The constant beating.
The constant shouting.

And there was Ana, crouched down in the same table from when she wakes up to when she goes to sleep, giggling at the TV seeing young boys goofing around (to do)
And waking up after everyone has gone to sleep as she was sleeping when they were awake.

They might appear as fire and ice.

But only Ana knew it was the other way around.

Whenever her mum slowly gave her a look during her giggling session as she was watching TV, every time the book was at right side other than left, every time she dropped the tissue paper . Whenever her mum first looked at her, she felt her bone marrow freezing. It was a sudden feeling when she felt all her blood went straight to her head, her eyes burst open, teeth clattering, her whole body numb but head hurting so bad she can't think still her mouth moved aimlessly trying to make excuses but failing because of the teeth clattering.

It all happened in a second, the cold she felt, the ice being buried somewhere she can't reach.

Her mom was incredibly cold. She was Made wholly of ice. She believed that. Though anyone else will laugh it off.

And she knew how incredibly angry she herself was. She knew she put the headphones on because if she heard anyone's voice she'll snap at them. She knew if she stayed home , she'll start breaking the oh so invitingly fragile glasses of her windows, if she sees her parents long enough the conversation will turn to her grades that isn't satisfying and ana knew if she heard any of those she'll want to break things. But she won't so she'll look down instead. Eat a little too much, go inside her room, search for "family issues playlist" in youtube as she'll cut the life out of herself.
The next day she'll wake up aching all over, the dark long sleeved clothes she wears at home hardened in places and smelling awful. It'll ache to walk, to get dressed as she'll swear it's the last time. Her parents will lovingly greet her, forgetting their poisons they haven't yet given her the antidote of as "that's just how all parents behave"

A part of her wishes her mum still beat her. As she grew up her mum stopped. But she hadn't forgotten. That she was taking too long to clean her bookshelf beside the window when her mum came, shouted at her, beat her as she screamed. When she went to play that evening, all the boys teased her no girls wanted to play with her and a random maid said,

"Oh aren't you the naughty girl? "

Ana don't know what she had done to receive that ice that's been poured down her throat. Had she eloped with an incapable lover, had she stayed longer out than her curfew, had she lost her virginity and got caught doing that, had she done actual drugs and anything bad to make money for it?

Getting that ice sewn into her due to only undone chores and wavering grades was unacceptable.

She was fire. So angry. So passionate. So sad . Any thing too much.

She was anti romantic? Who said that. It's not her fault she lost interest so quickly. But she did love people.

She remembers Suzaku. She can't recall any feelings. Not even hatred. Just pure indifference. Yet as she goes through her diaries she could see her heart swelled from the unearthy amount of love she felt for him. She saw that she was ready to die alone if she won't get him. But now, no feelings emerge. She searches within only to find emptyness.

Worse , she doesn't remember any of it. It wasn't even a year ago. But she has hard time just remembering his face. Conversations feel like a lore she'd never read when she traces her diaries.

Ana dreams are an overused subject by now. And she's never known love.

She's never seen her father wrap hus arms around her mother. Never saying a food is yummy. Never any sign of something other than friendship, which too she didn't have.

So she can't blame her parents for bein empathy lessness.

What she did hear was how her mother screamed that she wished her father will die of a car accident. Her mother biting her swears as she says how her father is treating her like a legit slave for a university professor. She heard it all for her father. In recent years she had the courage to snap

" did I ask ?"

Her mum yet biting that .

"I'm telling this so you won't turn out like him"

Oh no mum. I sure won't. She had thought.

Almost all of her plans consisted of living in a studio one room apartment with no furniture except a closet and a coffin for a bed, a kotatsu. It consisted of saving all money for interesting adventures. Mostly she can't imagine herself as rich. She don't know, though her primary objective is money, whenever she envisions herself older she sees broke ana. Maybe she'll just overindulge.

But none of it consisted of getting married. Ever. What the hell is love? Living with the same person your whole life. What's that? A joke?

sure her mind failed to escape the sickeningly sweet dreams once a while.

Sure they all appeared during her giggling blushing sessions in her TV. Sure she's never thought of marriage with an Actual human being.

From Enma Ai, to Gojo Satoru, she'd had her fantasies.

The closest to a human being was Kang Taehyun .(mental slap)

Her level of delulu is, if her life goes downhill to her first boyfriend ruining her then getting cheated on to being a hyperfeminine crybaby . She means if her life is so similar to Nana Komatsu, she might even get to marry her celebrity crush from when she was 13 years old .

But jokes aside, she had wondered what if she gets to marry those non existing humans. She'll want an inhuman amount of love. She'll love to cook for them the thing her mum so greatly despised. She'll love to just be a housewife if she gets the love.

These are the thoughts that scares her. That breaks her character. Only some fictional and an existing human being is capable of inducing them but it still scares her.

But her true fear is having a child. She's too much. Too angry . Too much to give someone something.

The last thing she wants to be is a mother. Because she knows, she'll just be like her own. She knows very well that she'll want revenge.

But she want to sit and watch TV with her. She wants to see her kid like things she didn't. Wanted to see her do anything. But her kid will have her genes. And she'll be messed up too. Like how Ana was exactly like her father. Cold . And unable to stay home. Or feel empathy.

And surely a mother have no other choice but to be cruel then.

She is scared that she'll be as cold as her father if she ever became a mother.

She sometimes assures herself that she won't.

But then she remembers that before being a cold mother, she's a cold friend, a cold daughter; a cold neighbour; a cold classmates.

The ice is in her blood. And she'll do the world a favour by not spreading it.

And she's too old for denial anyway.