"I'm sorry." he wiped my tears with his hands and kissed my trembling hands. "Stop shaking... I'm not going to hurt you." I opened my eyes when I heard his shaking voice.
He carried me to the bed when I didn't say anything, putting me on his lap. Both of my feet are on his right side.
"H-Hindi ka galit?" I asked, still anxious, as he rained kisses on my face. "No, baby." malambing niyang turan.
I snaked my arms around his neck, burying my face on it, finally feeling safe in his arms.
This is Red. He is not going to hurt me. He will never hurt me. He isn't like my father.
I heard his heavy breathing while caressing my back. I suddenly feel so tired. The heaviness and fear I felt earlier felt awful. I was not thinking straight. The only thing that was on my mind was that Red might hurt me, not because I thought he was capable of hurting me, but because I saw my father's wrath again... through him.
My trauma made it hard for me to live normally. I isolate myself from people, thinking that they might hurt me if I don't meet their expectations. I never wanted any kind of relationship because I knew that my trauma would affect it, and that would be unfair to the other person.
And right now, I feel like I was being unfair to Red by thinking that he might hurt me. I unconsciously compared him to my father, which was so unfair and disrespectful to him.
"Akala ko sasaktan mo ako." saad ko nang may hikbi. Naramdaman kong humigpit ang yakap niya. "... and I'm sorry. Alam kong hindi mo gagawin iyon. Natakot lang talaga ako." nilayo ko ang aking mukha sa kanyang leeg upang tignan siya. "Ganito ako, Red..." saad ko. Gusto kong ipaintindi sa kanya na ganito ako. Na baka mapagod siya sa huli dahil ganito ako.
Hinaplos ko ang kanyang mukha. His eyes are sorrowful.
"Baka mapagod ka... sa akin..." I averted his gaze and looked somewhere instead, but he made me turn to him again using his forefinger. "... at sumuko." I added, which made him shake his head.
"There's no such thing as giving up when it comes to you, baby." my heart swelled because of what he said. "At hindi nakakapagod ang intindihin ka. Walang nakakapagod sayo, mahal." he rested his lips on my cheek. "And I'm always willing to walk and heal with you."
Hearing those words from him feels like my salvation. He's willing to walk with me. He's willing to heal with me. Something that I've been wanting to have since time immemorial.
"I love you so much." he slowly whispered as my tears fell and my heartbeat doubled, not because of fear but because of certainty.
He slowly kissed my lips, pouring all his emotions. "I'm so sorry for making you cry." I moved away and looked at him. He's looking at me with gentleness in his eyes.
"Hindi ka pa kumakain." saad ko sa maliit na boses. Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kanya. Narinig ko siyang tumawa. "You're going to cook for me?" he took a peek and tilted my head with his finger. He kissed my eyes, as if it would dry the tears that I poured earlier.
"Hindi ako marunong." tumawa siya lalo. "Earlier, you said you're going to cook for me."
"I wanted to cook for you para hindi ka na magalit sa akin." may hikbing lumabas sa bibig ko kahit hindi na ako umiiyak. "Sige, itatry ko..." Aalis na sana ako sa kanyang kandungan ngunit mas lalo niyang hinigpitan ang pagkakayakap sa akin. He took a heavy breath.
"I was not mad at you. I was just... worried... and jealous." the last word was inaudible for me. His voice was too low. "Akala ko kung ano nang nangyari sa 'yo. I waited for you at the gym, thinking you did something with your blockmates. Ilang oras akong naghintay. I even went to your classroom, but you were not there. I texted and called you but your phone was in dnd mode. If I could shake the whole campus just to see you, I would've done it earlier."
