I felt like I turned deaf, and I heard him wrong. I looked into his pair of eyes, silently begging me. That made me realize that I didn't turn deaf, and I, in fact, heard him right.
I should be happy right now. I should be celebrating. But why do I feel insulted?
I stepped a few steps backward and laughed. Yes, I laughed, not because I find it funny, but because I couldn't believe what I just heard from him. I shook my head unbelievably and was about to leave, but he held my hand.
"Love--" I harshly took my hand away from him. "Stop calling me that!" I sobbed in front of him. I should be happy to hear him call me that again, but I don't feel anything but insult and disappointment.
After keeping me in the dark for month, he suddenly showed up here like nothing happened? After I begged him to stay, he is here begging me to take him back?
"Ano na naman 'to, Red?!" I was catching my breath because of too much crying. "Okay na ako, oh! I am trying to live my life without you because that's what you wanted!"
"I'm sorry. Let's talk... please..." he tried to reach for my hand again, but I refused. "Don't touch me." his lips went ajar, watching me back away from him.
Why, Red? You think I'll come running back to you, kiss you, and hug you just because you are here, finally, after ignoring me for weeks?
"Please... let's talk. I'll tell you everything now. Please..." I shook my head. My mind is too clouded right now that talking to him will be the last thing I would want to do. "We already talked last month, remember? You could've told me everything that day, but you chose to break up with me instead! Stand by your decision!"
Yes, I love him still. Yes, I am still yearning for his love. Yes, I still want him. Pero hindi pwedeng pulutin niya lang ako dahil lang sa gusto niya at bitawan ulit ako kapag may nangyaring hindi maganda. I feel like he's always capable of dropping me anytime he wants. I feel like I am the easiest person he could drop.
"Why are you here?" I asked again. "Oh... maybe you saw me dancing with a man." I laughed without humor. This is fucking ridiculous. "You can't stand seeing me with another man, Red?" I sarcastically asked. Ang tingin ko sa kanyang mukha ay napunta sa kanyang mga kamay na ngayon ay unti-unti nang nanghihina. My heart hurt physically. I never thought I was capable of hurting him with my words.
"Sana hinayaan mo na lang ako doon! I was having fun! Finally! Finally, after isolating myself from people. After depriving myself of happiness, finally, I was able to have fun!" I watched how his tears fell from his eyes. His adam's apple moved like he swallowed hard to contain himself, trying his best to not break down in front of me. I was stunned when he slowly nodded his head.
"I... was so hurt when I saw you dancing with a man, and being touched by another man. I thought you're better off without me. Akala ko k-kaya ko. Pero--"
"Kaya mo!" masyadong sarado ang isip ko ngayon na kahit anong sabihin niya ay hindi ko matanggap. "Kaya mo 'yun, Red."
"Please, listen to me first--" I shook my head. Like what I said, no words from him could calm me down right now. I am fuming. I feel insulted.
"You're so unfair." my voice is getting low as time passes by. "Noong ako ang nagmakaawa sa 'yo, pinakinggan mo ba ako? How dare you ask me for something you deprived me of!" he tried to reach for me again, but with hesitation this time.
"Rain, it was my f-father driving the car that collided with your father's... that led him to death." para akong nabingi dahil sa sinabi niya. Ang mga tuhod ko ay nanghina na pakiramdam ko ay kailangan ko ng makakapitan. Umiling ako nang paulit-ulit. My tears flowed more thinking about the accident my parents had that led to my father's death and my mom's trauma. The accident that led to my little sister losing a father at a very young age.
