Metanoia

Metanoia Special Chapter 2

—wherein Hariel returned to church after several years, set after the events of Metanoia 21

Now Playing:
Lilim (In Your Shelter)
Victory Worship

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The smell of sampaguitas linger in the air.

Tumingin ako sa langit na unti-unting nagiging kulay kahel. Dumampi sa aking balat ang malamig na hangin, ngunit bumili pa rin ako ng sorbetes sa kabila nito.

Napabuntong-hininga ako.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nararamdaman o kung ano ang nasa isip ko ngayon. Ang gulo lang ng lahat. O baka ako lang ang nagpapagulo ng lahat.

Wala sa sarili kong hinawakan ang aking pasa sa kamay at napadaing.

I don't even know why I'm here. Basta na lang akong naglakad, at dinala ako ng mga paa ko dito.

I turned around and looked at the church JM and I went to months ago.

It's alright, Hariel. She's fine. They're safe there. They'll be okay.

JM...

Hindi ko namalayang may luha na palang tumulo mula sa aking mata hanggang sa pumatak ito sa aking kamay.

It's alright now. We'll be alright now.

I closed my eyes and wiped them with my hand. When I returned my gaze to the church, I saw a familiar figure.

"Wait!" I exclaimed and ran towards the direction she took. I extended my hand to reach her once I got closer.

"J-"

But I stopped in my tracks when I got a glimpse of her face.

"-M..." I whispered.

Dumbfounded, I ran my fingers through my hair.

That's right, why did I chase after her when I know she's not here?

I know...it's because I was hoping that maybe...just maybe...I'd see her here—that I'd see her smile in person once more—that I'd feel her presence here again.

"Fuck," I muttered and wiped my tears with my hands again.

Because of my rash decision, I entered this church, with the painful memories from the past crashing down on me.

Tumingin ako sa altar sa harapan.

"Ikaw na naman," I said and sniffed. "Bakit ba lagi na lang Kitang nakikita tuwing ganito."

I know I sound rude and childish, but my heart stirred with negative emotions.

"Si mama, ako, naniwala kami Sa'yo, kaya bakit...bakit Mo siya sinaktan? Alam Mo namang mahal na mahal ko yun..."

Shit. Ang sakit sa puso.

"I...hate You. Pero bakit andito Ka pa rin?"

Napaupo ako at napasabunot sa aking sarili.

"Dapat iniwan Mo na lang ako. Masama akong tao. Wala akong kwenta. Hindi ako nararapat."

Muli akong humarap sa krus. "Kaya bakit..."

Tuluyan na akong napayuko at napahagulgol.

Mom's death left a feeling of betrayal in me.

Why would He allow something like that to happen when He knows that she's my world? That she's the only one I could fully trust and depend on?

He knew about the bullying, why didn't He stop them? Why did I have to suffer so much? Why were His plans like that?

I despise Him, but why is He still here?

Why does He still show Himself to me?

Why does He continue to find me?

A tap on my shoulder made me look up. There, I saw a child holding sampaguita garlands smiling at me.

Is he trying to comfort me?

As if hearing my thoughts, he motioned me to stand up and follow him. Humawak ang kanyang maliit na kamay sa aking hinliliit at isinama ako sa harapan ng simbahan.

Pinanood ko siya habang inilagay niya ang mga hawak niyang bulaklak. Nang matapos siya, muli siyang tumingin sa akin at ngumiti. Bumalik siya sa aking tabi at muli akong tinapik.

For some reason, it made me cry more.

"I'm sorry," I said and crouched to hug him. He accepted and hugged me back. "I'm sorry. All these years..."

I thought it was weird to cry in the arms of a child whom I do not even know, but strangely, in his arms, I found comfort and warmth.

"I'm sorry...and thank you."