Metanoia 11

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Nanghihina akong umupo sa tapat ng lalaking nakasubsob ngayon sa pagbabasa.

Tinaas niya ang kanyang tingin at pinagmasdan ako.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked as he leaned forward.

"Everything. I don't know," naguguluhan kong wika. Napahilamos ako sa aking mukha habang nanginginig ang mga kamay. "I don't fucking know anymore."

Naramdaman kong pinasadahan niya ng tingin ang mga bagong pasang hindi natakpan ng hoodie na aking suot.

"I just want them to stop targeting me. I don't want to fight or be hated anymore. I don't want to experience this never-ending cycle of pain any longer. I don't want to constantly fret about the future. I don't want to worry all the time that maybe something might happen to the group or to anyone close to me."

Napapalingon sa akin ang ilang mga dumadaan, pero wala na akong pakialam.

"I hate this. I hate the fact that every time I feel happiness, something hell-like happens, and it would remind me to always be alert because it only takes one fucking mistake for all of us to fall down in the depths of hell!"

Nangingilid ang luha kong tiningnan ang aking kaibigan.

"I'm tired. I just want this suffering to end."

Dumako ang aking tingin sa singsing na nakasuot sa kanang hinliliit ko.

"I have you guys now. I don't want to lose you all."

Edward had this face I can't seem to describe. My eyes are all blurry now and all I can say is his face looks weird.

"The hell. You look weird," I blurted out as I looked at the sky to stop my tears from falling.

He moved to the seat next to me and patted my back. "I'm sorry. It must've been hard for you."

I sniffed and stared at my shoes.

That was the moment I noticed my necklace dangling in front of my hoodie.

I clutched the locket and bit my lower lip, focusing on stopping myself from crying.

I don't want anyone to see me in my vulnerable state.

But I can't take it anymore.

"Mom, I need you..." I repeatedly said in my mind as I faintly hear Edward say, "We'll find a way," over and over again.

All day I was a mess.

Unang beses din akong napagalitan sa trabaho ko. The first time in years.

I felt suffocated. I needed to breathe.

Pagkatapos ko sa resto ay dumiretso ako sa clubhouse.

One more of my overthinking and I think I'll go crazy.

Binuksan ko ang ilaw at umupo sa sahig.

Even looking at nature doesn't work now.

Napasabunot ako sa aking buhok. How the hell will I calm down?! Hindi pwedeng pumasok ulit ako bukas na ganito!

"Hariel?"

Oh shi—

"Uy." Umupo siya sa tabi ko. Umiwas ako ng tingin at akmang lalayo sa kanya nang hawakan niya ang aking kanang kamay na may pasa. "What happened?" she asked softly.

"Not now. Wala ako sa katinuang makipag-usap ngayon," mahina ngunit may diin kong wika.

Bahagya siyang napatalon dahil sa tono ng boses ko, pero hindi siya bumitaw. "Okay..." bulong niya at pinagtuunan ng pansin ang kamay kong hawak niya. She repeatedly traced the bruise gently.

Hindi ko na napigilan ang aking sariling tanungin siya. "Why are you still here?"

Nagtataka siyang tumingin sa akin.

"I don't get it. Alam kong alam mo kung sino ako; kung ano na ang mga nagawa ko. Bakit hindi ka naalis? Bakit hindi ka natatakot sa kung anong pwedeng mangyari sa'yo? Bakit andito ka pa rin?!"

Hinawi ko pataas ang aking buhok gamit ang kaliwa kong kamay. Medyo kinapos ako ng hininga dahil sa pagsigaw, pero hindi ko ito pinansin.

"Hindi ko maintindihan. Wala na akong maintindihan," nanghihina kong sabi.

Natulala siya sa aking sinabi, pero unti-unti siyang ngumiti. Naguluhan ako nang hinaplos niya ang aking buhok gamit ang kanyang libreng kamay.

"I'm here because I want to."

JM held my hand.

"It's my choice. I took the risk and I'll continue to take it just to be with you, Hariel.

"Sure, I may be in danger because I'm with you. So what? I'll always choose to hang out with you rather than to be afraid of something that may or may not happen. Edi puntiryahin nila ako. Hindi ako natatakot," she said and shrugged.

"But—"

She cupped my cheek and beamed. "Don't worry about me. About us. We'll be fine."

"No. You'll—"

With one hand still holding my right hand, she faced me and buried my head on her shoulder. "Come on, breathe. We'll be alright," she uttered and caressed my hair.

"I don't want to lose you guys," I mumbled and gave in to her comforting gesture.

"We won't go anywhere without you," she whispered.

Nanatili kami sa ganoong posisyon ng ilang minuto. There was something about her that made me feel at peace.

It felt like... home.

But that's impossible, right?

"Are you calm now?" JM asked.

"I guess..."

"Yown! Tara na, uwi ka na, hatinggabi na, o."

The thought of leaving her alone made fear creep into my system.

"W-wait. I'll walk you to your apartment," I said.

She pouted her lips, looked up to think, and let out a long "Hmmm."

"Okay."

The walk towards our destination was filled with silence. I maintained a close eye on our surroundings while JM was looking at the starry sky.

Nang mabuksan niya ang pinto ay lumingon siya sa akin. She held the finger where my ring was, and patted my head as a small smile crossed her face.

"Good night."

"Night."

Still smiling, she let go and entered her apartment.

I didn't like the feeling of her letting go. It felt like I was all alone again.

O baka nagdadrama lang ako.

Linapat ko ang aking kanang kamay sa pinto ng apartment ni JM at muling nakita ang pulang singsing.

I need to find a way out of this mess.

MetanoiaTahanan ng mga kuwento. Tumuklas ngayon