Metanoia

Metanoia Special Chapter 1

—wherein Hariel had a rough day and saw JM on the verge of a breakdown at the clubhouse, set during their college days

Sumandal ako sa sofa matapos ilagay ang huling salonpas sa aking balikat.

"Hay, ayoko na," naiinis kong bulong sa hangin.

Hindi nakakatuwa na pinagsabay-sabay ang deadline ng activities, exams, pati ang university week sa nakaraang mga linggo. Ilang araw na rin kaming bugbog sa gawain.

Gusto ko na lang magpahinga.

Napahawak ako sa aking buhok at napapikit.

"Ayoko na..."

Ang tahimik ng paligid, pero ang daming mga salitang nabubuo sa utak ko.

Ang ingay.

Ilang minuto akong nanatiling nakaupo, hanggang sa napagpasyahan kong bumangon at pumunta sa clubhouse.

Naabutan ko siyang nakatulala lang sa damuhan. She was slouching, still in her cafe uniform.

"Joana Marie," I called. Hindi siya gumalaw.

I sat beside her and studied her face. The way she was just staring, void of emotion, made me alarmed.

"JM," I repeated. Still no answer.

"Hey," I said as I rested an open hand on the blanket. "Sarmiento, what's wrong?"

This was the first time I saw her like this, and the first time I felt fear for her.

I did not know what to do.

A cold gust of wind passed, so I got up to wrap a blanket around her before sitting down again.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

While racking my brain on what to do, I felt her hand gently resting on mine.

I flinched.

Tumingin ako rito, at sa kanya.

"I fucked up, Hariel."

Bahagyang dumiin and pagkakahawak niya.

"I messed up."

"What do you mean?"

"It's all my fault."

Silence reigned between us as I waited for her to speak further.

"Napagod ako. Napabayaan ko yung subjects ko. Basta-basta na lang akong nagpasa. Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko."

Nagsalubong ang aking kilay, pero hindi ako nagsalita.

"If I...if I lose my scholarship, what would happen to me?"

"..."

JM did not say anything anymore after that. Wala pa rin akong emosyong makita sa kanya.

Did her tears already run out? I thought.

I did not know what to do, because every time I said those words myself, I also found myself confused.

I watched her play with my fingers mindlessly.

Don't, a voice inside me said.

"How," I mumbled. "How can I help?"

Or is there anything I can do to help?

Do you think you can actually help her?

She shook her head. I sighed and focused on feeling the warmth of her hand in mine. I traced circles on it.

You'll only make things worse.

"I am not good with these things, but I know everything will be alright eventually. You'll be alright."

Useless.

I inwardly cringed.

"I'm here. I'll be here in case you'll need me," I added.

She nodded and whispered, "Thank you," in a small voice.

"Please don't give up," I whispered back. "Hold on. You're not alone. You'll be alright."

I was afraid of letting the topic go with just a few words. No, this whole interaction made fear slowly creep into my whole being.

Would she disappear tomorrow?

I shook my head.

I did not know what to do. I felt useless.

"We'll be alright."

Ilang minuto kaming nanatiling nakatingin lamang sa kung saan hanggang sa mapansin kong nanginginig na siya.

"It's getting cold. I'll take you home."

She nodded. Inayos ko ang lugar at binitbit ang kanyang mga gamit.

Nagtagal ang aking paningin sa dami at kapal ng kanyang mga libro.

Ang daming tabs na nakalagay.

What a challenging college program.

I turned to her. "Let's go."

She was silent all the way. Hindi ako mapakali dahil naninibago ako.

I felt that I could lose sight of her anytime. If she would break, I would not know what to do.

I've only dealt with the broken pieces of myself, and even then I could not mend myself—but, still...

"Have you eaten yet?" I asked as she opened the door to her apartment.

She shook her head.

"Would you mind if I were the one to make you dinner?"

"That would be nice..." she whispered, her eyes still devoid of emotion. "I trust you."

"...Alright."

"Maliligo lang ako," mahina niyang wika. Tumango ako at pinagmasdan siyang pumasok sa kanyang kwarto.

Napabuntong hininga ako at sinimulan ang pagprepare.

The next time the door opened, she stepped out with semi-wet hair and red and puffy eyes. She held a hair dryer on one hand as she strode towards the tiny kitchen counter.

I turned the stove off and started putting the food on serving plates.

I was facing away from her when I heard her let out a small cry.

Sunod-sunod na pumatak ang luha mula sa kanyang mga mata. She tried to wipe them while saying "I'm okay," repeatedly, but tears still fell.

Agad kong linibot ang aking paligid at binigay sa kanya ang tissue box. Dahan-dahan kong kinuha sa kanya ang hair dryer.

"Ako na," I said.

I gently held her hair and used the dryer on it.

"You'll be alright. You're enough. You did your best," I whispered to her again and again.

Every time I hear her cry, my heart breaks in pieces.

When she calmed down, she apologized profusely. I told her it was alright, and that she should eat and rest.

"Chat you later," I said and waved as I opened the door.

"Hariel," she called.

I watched as she ran to the door and opened her arms.

"Thank you hug?"

I blinked.

"Take care hug," I uttered and hugged her.

For a moment, I thought of how we became a little closer today, and how I should know how to respond to situations like this better next time.