𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 𝐁𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 - 𝐁.𝐄

seventeen - falling

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billie.
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july 27th.

she's the kind of girl who makes you stop mid-sentence. it's not because she's done anything extraordinary, but it's because she's just simply... there. and i hate how that alone keeps replaying in my mind.

i'll admit that when i walked home last night, my head was so full, it was almost unbearable. it felt like i was trying to solve some complicated equation on a test that i hadn't prepared for. and yet, within all that cluttered noise in my head, there was this... feeling, like something wasn't lining up right. something in the way she looked at me and how she existed in the same space as me, it just didn't feel casual, even though on the surface, it should've been.

last night in the theater, i caught her turning her head, the soft glow of the screen catching in her eyes as they slid over to me. but it wasn't my eyes she looked at first; no, she looked at my lips. and god, i did the same thing. i don't know why—maybe it's just instinct? or maybe it's something deeper than that. but the moment hung in the air longer than it should have.

i tried to push it away and tried to tell myself that it was nothing. but when i got home, i couldn't let it go. i found myself sitting at the edge of my bed, wringing my hands in my lap to keep me grounded.

my mind drifted, it went too far and for a split second, i let myself imagine what it would be like to kiss her. her lips against mine. i could almost feel it, like a phantom touch lingering too close for comfort.

it's wrong. i know it's wrong. she's five years younger than me, and that gap feels like an eternity. she's an adult, yes, but it still doesn't sit right. i'm used to people older than me, people with years that stretch beyond mine, with lives and experiences i can't yet comprehend. but her... she's new territory, a kind of mystery i've never navigated before. and it terrifies me, because i've never thought about anyone like this. not with someone that i've just met and certainly not to this extent. how could just her existence seep into every crevice of my mind, following me into my dreams, trail behind me even when i wake up?

maybe i'm reading too much into it. maybe the way she looked at me was just a fluke, an accident, a trick of the light. and even if it wasn't, even if she really did let her gaze drop to my lips before anything else, would it change these new profound feelings i've been developing? no, not really. it wouldn't stop me from wanting to see her. i don't think it could stop me from wanting her either.

but maybe that this is all admiration. maybe i'm just entranced by her beauty, her confidence, her effortless charm. maybe i yearn what she has, the way she seems to own every room she steps into. or maybe... maybe it's just a fleeting desire, a crush that will burn itself out before it becomes something more. it has to be a craving, not a crush. it has to be. crushes can be deadly, you can fall in love. cravings last momentarily, they go away after some time. it has to go away. it has to.

i can't let myself fall in love with her. it's not possible. especially not after only a few days of knowing each other. love at first sight is a fantasy, it's something people tell themselves to make life feel more cinematic. but it's not real. it can't be.

so i have to be careful, i have to keep my distance. if i let this feeling grow, it'll ruin everything—my sense of self, my ability to think clearly. i can't let her know what's going on in my head. i have to act like she's just a friend, maybe even less than that. maybe if i push her away, keep her at arm's length, my heart will follow suit. maybe then, my eyes will stop betraying me, and i won't fall into something i can't control.

i can't fall in love with her, no matter how bad i want to.

──────

okay. as you may know, i made this book in the early summer of 2024. the season was bright, our hopes were still warm, and we could look towards the future with a sense of wonder and trust. we had zero worry even with the election just a few months away. i poured my heart into these virtual pages with an open and unclouded mind. i was hopeful and unafraid, much like you may have been, and i was reveling in freedom that felt like it would be limitless. i thought it couldn't be taken from me.

but here we are now. not only do am i disappointed, but i feel like a part of me and apart of society has died. it's as if someone reached inside and plucked my heart straight out of my chest. every breath feels like it has to claw its way through the grief that sits there. this morning, i woke up with tears slipping down my cheeks as i lay in my bed, staring at nothing as i imagine a future i'm afraid of. a future where i can't marry someone i love, a future where my reproductive rights are just a joke, a future for others having opportunities taken away from them merely just by the color of their skin. our world is going back. injustice seems to be coming back, spreading everywhere like another plague.

it shouldn't be like this. i shouldn't have to lie here, typing out of my overwhelming fear over the future that hasn't even happened yet. we i shouldn't feel this agonizing reminder that all the things we believed were ours by right—our freedoms, our choices, the very essence of what it means to be a literal human being and alive—could be erased carelessly as if they were never meant to last. i shouldn't have to cower at the thought of this stupid tiny orange man, with his unsettling hunger for control, ruling over us, diminishing us, while the power that once bonded us now becomes fragile.

it's devastating to think that in a world like ours where voices rise and dreams scatter across our screens, my voice and my entire existence already means so little to so many—the majority at that. it clearly means nothing to those who would rather trade away our rights for lower gas prices and tax cuts. it breaks me apart to know that people can look at a female leader and feel more fear in that image than in the prospect of losing humanity.

again, i am disappointed in society, in people, in those who voted red or didn't vote at all, in everyone who couldn't see what was really at stake. i thought we were more than this. i thought we were beyond this.

and so i say to you, please, don't ever give up. if you're lost and you feel trapped, i'm here. my dms are open. we won't stop; we'll keep raising our voices and keep pushing forward to keep fighting for what we deserve. we will NEVER be silenced. we will not surrender what is ours—not without the fight of our lives.

thank you. and i love you all.

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729 (1269 with my statement) words.
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