𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 𝐁𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 - 𝐁.𝐄

twenty six - betrayed

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julia.
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august 10th.

i never knew that i could ever feel this much loneliness, anger, depression, betrayal, and regret all at the same time. it's like a never ending cycle of feeling endless despair and betrayal crashing against the shores of my heart instead of the waves at the lake outside. every emotion bleeds into the next, creating a kaleidoscope of anguish that i can't escape and can't seem to deal with either.

despite everything that's been going on between us, there's always been another person between us two. a man whose existence has taunted me with the knowledge that he's been with her in every way that i yearned to be. he'd been there, fucking her in the places i never could. he claimed her in the ways that i longed for, and not just physically. it was supposed to be me and her, it was supposed to be me who had her. it was supposed to be me who made her feel alive. it was supposed to be me.

i could have made her feel better. i know it in deep in my heart. i would have been the one to kiss her awake, to have my window show the first light of day brushing along her skin, my lips just tracing the edges of her wet dreams about us. if she didn't wake up, i'd slip out of the bed quietly, being dressed in nothing but a robe while quietly preparing breakfast downstairs to greet her with.

all i wanted was her love. all i wanted was to love her. i wanted it to be mutual. but now it's all too clear that someone else has already claimed that role—that mystery tall guy.

as i walk slowly along the treadmill in the dimly lit personal gym downstairs in the basement, just next door to the theater room, my airpods played "come and see me" by partynextdoor and drake when a thought happened to cross my mind. it was quite the devious thought, it just randomly popping up into my brain like an afterthought of all this time. i wasn't proud of my internal monologue, but it did make me think about my proposition.

what if i made her jealous?

i thought that instead of sinking and sulking deeper and deeper into this mire of self-pity and wishing that i were the one that she wanted, what if i could show her what she lost? what if I could demonstrate the life that she's forsaken?

maybe i could use another person as a temporary escape. it could even be beneficial for my mental health because i'd be distracting myself with meaningless physical connections and hookups once again. billie would see who im around whether it be in person or through social media, and it would make her regret the choices that she's made, choosing that random guy over me. she would see that i'm "better off" with someone else—that'll fuck with her head.

and then maybe she'll come crawling back to me, desperate for my love and affection. we'd find our way back to each other eventually, our story ending in a perfect, fairytale resolution—happier than ever, if i may.

this can't be just a mere summer fling between us, it seriously can't be. all of it would be for nothing, it would literally be a waste of a summer, a waste of time that i could be spending with claire and having fun with her instead, rather than going the extra mile just to get a girl to like me.

or maybe i could text her and threaten to expose her for being sexually involved with an eighteen-year-old, she'll come back to me out of fear. if anyone were to find out, the media would be outraged because of the gap in age and the fact that i'm still so young. even though legally there's no issue, their discomfort might be enough to cancel her completely.

but no, i don't want to ruin her career or force her into anything. i want it to unfold as if that it all happened under her own thoughts. though her decision was ultimately guided by my unseen hand. i'm lowkey kinda smart. i also sound creepy as fuck but, she's billie fucking eilish, come on. wouldn't you do the same?

this morning as i scrubbed away at the dishes and wiped down countertops and vacuumed every little corner of the house to try and distract myself from my utter pain, my mind was still caught in the relentless spiral of thoughts about her and of me, of us. they all related to how i could even begin to try and make this all right again, whether it be forced, happily ever after, or living in regret the whole rest of my life. my delusions tell me ill succeed, and i want that to be true. but this isn't a dream, im not living in a world of delusions, this is my reality.

but what i did know is that i wouldn't go down without a fight. if i didn't try, then who would make things right?

every time i dunked my hands into soapy water or folded my fresh clothing and putting them back into their designated drawers, i wondered how i could possibly pull off some grand plan to make her like me again, or at least to get out of this "ghost mode" and ultimately to get her away from him.

i tried to think of somebody i could replace her with, to make her jealous with them. it would have to be one of the opposite sex, to make her feel exactly how i felt.

but up north here? in this sleepy, quiet town? there's literally barely ever anyone around, let alone anyone remotely attractive. everyone here is either a millennial on a family vacation with their perfect wife and perfect little kids, or they're old and retired and spending their final days golfing at the course or bird-watching.

the idea of throwing myself at some random guy just to get billie's attention feels so desperate, maybe even way too desperate. i'd prefer not to stoop too low. i like her, i really fucking do. like, more than i ever even want to admit. but im also not willing to go that far and "date" someone ugly or old, it probably wouldn't even make her jealous.

so instead, i spent the little breaks i took along the couch during cleaning to scroll through my contacts and search for someone who just might work. it had to be someone who could make her jealous simply by their looks as well, and also someone who could still give me that thrill at the same time so that im also not wasting my time in case shit hits the fan.

my thumb hovered over the screen as i went through name after name, considering my options and feeling my desperation continuing to claw at me.

and then, like it was fate, my phone buzzed with a notification. i'm surprised it went through, i thought i was on do not disturb. i didn't expect the notification at all, but there it was. a green little message that popped up like a flashing neon sign in the middle of the ongoing chaos of my mind, putting it on pause for just a second.

hey wsp

perfect.

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1243 words.
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