𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 𝐁𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 - 𝐁.𝐄

eighteen - sugar

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julia
•

july 30th.

i never really thought it would happen—billie eilish becoming a part of my life in any real sense. i mean, sure, i've made that pretty clear over a thousand times now, haven't i? but what i really didn't expect was for her to throw everything i knew about myself into question. my entire sexuality comes into question beneath the weight of her presence, like a branch on a tree sagging under too much snow.

it's not just that billie's attractive. god, she's more than that, achingly so. jesus christ i could talk about every beautiful thing about her for hours. alas, it's not just that of course.

she has this pull, this allure that sneaks up on you and it slides into your skin. and then suddenly it's all you can think about. i started wondering if i'd ever felt this way toward other girls in my life or if this was some strange revelation sparked solely by her. that's when the list began forming in my head.

first, there was that sailor moon bitch. i was like maybe five and barely old enough to understand what a crush was, but even then, i was aware of her. there was always something soft, something strange settling in my chest whenever she flashed across the tv screen. then it was evie from descendants. her flawless blue hair and that smirk like she knew she was trouble but didn't care at all. later, margot robbie as harley quinn, of course. who didn't like her? i also envied her, i wanted to be her. i was for a day—halloween of course. there was this long pause, though. it was an unbroken stillness in that part of my mind until, well, now. now that billie's face isn't just a pixelated image on a screen but something real, something palpable, something almost close enough to reach out and touch. it was her.

the last time i saw her was during that awkward night when we watched "my neighbor totoro". the movie was cute. she was cuter. everything about her felt heightened in the low light of the theater room. it felt like the world was muted and all i could really see was her, all i could hear was her breathing next to me. but since that night, since that soft and strange evening, we haven't spoken. days have passed without a single text between us, and i can't bring myself to be the one to break the silence.

i have this rule. it's this stubborn, stupid rule. it's that if someone likes me, really likes me, they'll reach out first. i refuse to be the one who chases after people. and yet... billie hasn't reached out, not even once. maybe i've been ghosted, i think, this cold dread settling like a stone in the pit of my stomach.

but still... would it be awkward to try again? to break my own rule just this once?

my father once said something that stuck with me, lodged itself into my mind like a splinter. he told me it's better to just do it, to take the risk, to put myself out there even if it means regret because regret for doing something is far better than the regret that comes from doing nothing at all.

i suppose, in a way, he was just echoing that tired old saying "yolo". but there was something about the way he said it, the gravity in his voice, that made it sound so much more profound and meaningful.

and so, i think to myself, maybe this time i'll just go for it.

maybe this time, i'll text first.

#yolo.