𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 𝐁𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 - 𝐁.𝐄

twenty - bloom

•
julia.
•

august 5th.

she doesn't even like me.

why would she?

she's older, prettier, famous, and effortlessly cooler. even her laugh, god it's a melody that only i seem to hear in a noisy crowd. i could find her voice within that crowd of people in a heartbeat if you asked me to.

i have nothing to compete with all that she has. tonight was supposed to be fun, just two people getting boba. but even that felt off. it felt like i was pushing against this invisible wall she keeps between us, making it always far enough to remind me how unreachable she is. and that hurts. that kind of distance hurts, that kind of distance. it's the kind that leaves a mark long after the moment has passed.

god it hurts.

really. fucking. bad.

people have been treating me a kid for so long. i'm eighteen, doesn't that mean something? i'm an adult now, right? people treated me like one my whole life, like i was meant to understand everything. but when dad died, something changed. i saw it in their eyes. the pity, the misunderstanding, it was like i was (in their minds) supposed to be both too young and too wise all at once.

and i hate that. i hate that people think that they know me, but they don't. i feel everything so deeply, like it gets burned into me. i'm not naive, i'm far from it. i thought billie might've seen that and that she'd be different. now i'm just wondering if she's just like everybody else. she probably thinks i'm just some weird clueless kid.

does she ever take me seriously? am i a joke to her? i want her to know i'm more than what people think, that i'm good enough. i want her to know that i'm mature enough for her.

god, i'm so desperate for her. i like her so much. how is it possible to want someone this much? someone the whole world wants too? i mean, why would she choose me when she could have literally anyone else? i have no fucking chance.

(prompt from "call me by your name".)
honestly, i wanted him dead too, so that if i couldn't stop thinking about him and worrying about when would be the next time i'd see him for when we're apart, at least his death would put an end to it. i wanted to kill her myself, even, so...

if i didn't kill him, then i'd cripple him for life, so that he'd be with me in a wheelchair and never go back to the home. if he were in a wheelchair, i would always know where he was, and he'd be easy to find. i would feel superior to him and become his,, now that he was crippled.

then it hit me that i could have killed myself instead, or hurt myself badly enough and let him know why i'd done it. if I hurt my face, i'd want him to look at me and wonder why, why might anyone do this to themselves, until, years and years later--yes, later!--he'd finally piece the puzzle together.
(end of prompt.)

i must be crazy. i've never fallen in love before or even debated it—at least not like this. yeah, i've had hookups, flings, or whatever all that stuff is since i was fifteen. but nothing ever felt like this. this feels like it could be real. and though it's something i want, something i need so badly, it absolutely terrifies the shit out of me.

i just want her to like me. is that too much to ask? just for her to stop making me feel like i'm waiting around, twisting myself in knots, doing everything that i can just to grab her attention. i just want her to tell me that she wants me, or that she hates me. i could live and love her with the want, and get over her (over time, of course) with the hate.

i just hate that she makes me feel like i need her validation like i'm some lovesick puppy.

she's lying beside me as of now. completely sound asleep. and i'm wide awake, trapped in my own thoughts. she's in my bed, wearing my oversized white ralph lauren tee with a little guy on the corner of the shirt and some baggy black sweatpants i gave her.