𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 𝐁𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 - 𝐁.𝐄

eleven - arpeggi

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julia.
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july 25th.

boredom wraps itself around me like a heavy blanket, suffocating every aching second that ticks by. it's strange, almost tragic, how i've grown numb to the fact that billie eilish is right next door. originally that sent my heart into a wild race, but now? now it's just another hollow realization. because, let's face it, she doesn't care about me—why would she? she doesn't even know i exist, and the thought that she never will gnaws at the edges of my thoughts. who would want to know me anyway?

time feels like a slow, agonizing waste. claire hasn't been able to come over, trapped by the invisible chains of family obligations, stuck with relatives who flew in from some far-off country overseas. it's like the world is conspiring to remind me how utterly alone i truly am. i've got three friends total, an absent mother, and a dead dad. i just need to learn to be better grateful for the things i have, and i'm getting there.

to fill my lonesome void, i've been hopping on calls with elliot, desperate for a small moment of human interaction. we play "dress to impress" to fill the void on both ends. i have my issues, he has his. later, he forces me to play "da hood", a game i'm actually butt-booty terrible at. my macbook died so i played on my mom's work imac, the bright screen in the boring office a lighting the darkness in my mind for minutes and hours on end.

i'm currently dressed in navy plaid brandy boxers and a navy blue baby tee, the chill of the night seeping into my bones (because of the short sleeves, duh). i know i'll be freezing later, so i drag myself over to my closet and pull out an oversized navy blue hoodie. the fabric is soft, comforting in its familiarity. there's something about hoodies that feels like a warm embrace, a shield against the world. me and my hoodies could rule the world together, for real.

the past two nights have found me sitting by the same fire pit, the flames flickering just as they did the first day claire left, the day billie arrived. it's like a ritual now, though i hate that it's become one. i can't let my summer end with my mind wrapped around a celebrity i'll never truly know. i shudder at the thought.

so i shut her out, closed the door on every reminder of her existence. it's how i cope, how i've always coped—with exes, with pain. i muted her instagram, blocked the fan pages, clicked 'not interested' on anything remotely connected to her. i unsubscribed from the emails, silenced the texts from her team—anything to stop myself from becoming a crazed stalker. the last thing she needs is some obsessive fan living right next door to her vacation house, me to be invading the space she's trying to find comfort in.

tonight, as i sit outside on the patio, the air filled with the scent of the lake just a little father out, i facetime my mom. she tries to call every other night, not always being successful. she only does it as if she's trying to convince herself she's a good mother. i know she loves me, but we just don't have that bond, that strong unbreakable force most may have. we both wished things were different, and we both try.

"have you done anything around town?" she asks, her eyes searching mine through the screen, desperate to connect, to form small talk.

i think back to the beach trips, the yacht rides with claire, the reckless decision to doordash chipotle from thirty minutes away, racking up a $78 charge on her credit card. but what is there to say? none of it matters, not really.

i shrug, my elbow digging into my knee, the screen's glow casting a glare upon my face. "not much," i reply, even though the truth is gnawing at me. part of me wants to come through and say that my days are all a blur, slipping away too quickly, each one bleeding into the next. what i really really want to say is, "don't look at your credit card history". but instead, i keep my mouth shut, letting the silence stretch between us. there's really not much left to say.

the call ended with a faint ping, the conversation slipping away like water through my fingers, unable to find anything solid to hold onto.

the sun was sinking into that familiar haze again, casting the world in a fleeting orange glow, a color that seemed to be fading with each passing second. i knew it would be gone soon, hiding underneath the water, being swallowed by the night. it soon to be leaving only the memory of its warmth and replaced with the dark sky illuminated with a moon and stars.

after the call, i stood barefoot along the prickly green grass, feeling the sharp tickle between my toes as i slowly made my way towards the water.

the earth beneath me softened into the cool, slightly damp sand that clung to my flesh. the transition from sand to the rough wood of the dock was seamless, each creak underfoot a quiet protest as i ventured further down, past where our boat was docked, seeking solitude at the edge.

with a sigh that felt like it came from the depths of my soul, i lowered myself onto the worn wood, letting my legs dangle over the edge, my feet brushing against the lake's surface. the water was a swirl of greens from the algae, blues, and startling clarity, cool and almost otherworldly against the sand disappearing since it clung to my skin. the sensation of coolness sent a shiver up my spine, the chill raising goosebumps beneath the fabric of my hoodie. the vast lake gave me a reminder of how small and vulnerable i felt in that moment. there's a whole world out there, and i'm like a grain of sand in it all.

my hands gripped the dock's edge, the wood grounding me as i began to gently kick my feet, stirring the water just enough to feel its resistance against my ankles, not daring to dip my legs any further than that.

the rhythmic sounds of the boat nearby, the gentle lapping of small waves against its hull, and the soft slaps of water against the dock's pillars filled the air, a symphony of serenity that wrapped around me, pulling me further into the peaceful solitude. this is one of the perks about being alone. sometimes, i love being alone. i've learned to live with it, and ive grown to love it. don't get me wrong, i still love being by people, duh.

i let my gaze drift towards the horizon, where the sun was just a sliver above the water's edge, its light growing dimmer, weaker, as if it too was succumbing to the weight of the night. my mind was tangled within a spiderweb of thoughts, though none seemed to catch. i wasn't lost in my usual daydreams, no delusions, no negative intrusions, no nothing. i'm solely just existing in that space where you're not really thinking at all—just zoning out, letting the nothingness wash over you.

but peace is always fleeting, isn't it? no matter how alone i think i am, something or someone always manages to intrude. pulling me back from the edge of that sweet oblivion. always. it never fails. this time, it was someone.

a small, feminine voice echoed in the distance, barely cutting through the laps of water surrounding the area. instinctively, i looked to my left, scanning the area. but there was nobody there. i shrugged it off and thought that it was probably someone fishing. the voice too faint, too far away to matter.

i returned my gaze to the water, to the soft swaying of my feet beneath me, the gentle ripples they created. but something made me glance to my right, and that's when i saw her—someone sitting on a dock, mirroring my movements. i presume it was a girl. she wore a black zip-up hoodie and long black basketball shorts that hung just below her knees. her hair's long and dark brown, slightly wavy and caught the last rays of the sun, revealing its true color as it glimmered faintly in the dying light. i took note that her hands were buried deep within the pockets of that zip up. unnecessary, but just noted.

it took a moment for the realization to hit me like a punch to the gut—that was my dock. our cottage's dock. the dock that belonged to the house next door. my heart seemed to skip a beat, eyes widening in shock as the truth settled in. that's billie. shit, it's really her.

and just as the realization hit, she turned her head, her gaze meeting mine though it was way far out. there was something softer, gentler in the way she looked at me, quite different than my disbelief i was sure i had written all over my face. in that split second, only with one look at her face, i knew for sure—it's her. it's billie.

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1558 words.
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