𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 𝐁𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 - 𝐁.𝐄

thirty one - frances

•
julia.
•

august 12th.

i kicked him out that morning with no hesitation, no second thoughts—i just did it. i couldn't stand the sight of him anymore. i didn't want to feel his touch ever again, at least not in an intimate way.

every single second we spent together, from the moment he showed up at my door to the lazy hours we wasted away laughing and pretending that we were something, and even to the sex, it just filled me with regret. holy fuck how i regretted it. i just wished i could rewind to the moment i even sent that text to invite him over. id undo it all. my plan had been shitty since the get-go, and unsuccessful in the end. another waste of my time.

but now, the night had rolled around and left me alone again with nothing but my thoughts. funny how that's become my constant state these days. literally, i've been lost in the heat of it all and tangled up in my own head. and no matter how hard i try, my mind always circled back to her. that girl. that beautiful, blue-eyed girl with her messy brown hair and her soft husky voice, the girl i couldn't stop dreaming of.

"if i could have him like this in my dreams every night of my life, i'd stake my entire life on dreams and be done with the rest."

— andré aciman

i ached to be in her arms again, like the way a plant stretches out towards sunlight, desperate for warmth and for life. if only she could hold me, even if it were for just once more, i was sure everything would be okay if she did. her eyes alone would fix me. her gaze was always deep and full of an unspoken type of love. it could heal every crack in my heart. god those eyes. they were so full of everything i've ever wanted. so much love, care, want, need, love... again. but were they ever meant for me?

and that's where the torture lies in this endless back and forth in my own head. i'm convinced she doesn't think about me at all. not like this. not with the same relentless intensity that i carry around with me like a curse.

and that's probably why i'm still here, stuck in limbo and not over her in the slightest. she's already moved on and i'm left clinging to ghosts of tiny moments that were never meant to last.

i find myself back at the dock where we first talked, reminiscing on it all. the first time i saw her, the first time i heard her say my name, the first touch, everything. the wood along the dock i sit on is rough beneath my fingertips as i grip the edge, holding onto it like it's the only thing keeping me from slipping away into the lake entirely.

my toes dip into the cold water which feels like it's stealing all the warmth left from my body, but i don't move. i let the chill crawl up my ankles, numbing me. because maybe if i get numb enough, i'll stop thinking about her.

my feet kick lazily, sending ripples across the surface of the lake. the water's clear and slightly algae-tinted like it always is. the waves i create feel meaningless and small, but they echo the same way that my memories do. repeated, relentless, and impossible to ignore.

nostalgia. reminiscing. remembering. i hate it all. nostalgia is a cruel thing. it twists everything up inside of you and it makes the past feel sharper than the present. it makes you miss things, miss people, things you can't get back.

right now, all i can think about is how this thing between billie and me feels like a breakup. but it wasn't even a breakup. we weren't even anything to each other. we had sex once. and that's it. a simple fuck, over and done. it was nothing. so why do i feel like my heart's been completely shattered to crumbled bits? why am i holding onto something that was barely even there to begin with? i'm embarrassing, even to myself.