𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 𝐁𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 - 𝐁.𝐄

thirty four - striptease

•
julia.
•

august 12th.

i don't really even know how it happened. one second i was crying—like full-on crying about our argument with my throat sore from the weight of everything left unsaid. she didn't cry. i cried. i'm the crier. i always have been. billie's always the composed one. she's the one who can hold it together, though i can tell by the way her lips tremble when she thinks i'm not looking, that she feels it too. she just doesn't want to seem like a pussy in front of me. she doesn't want to be the one who breaks. but then literally the next second we were kissing. like, full on making out. i had initiated it this time, having regretted not kissing her back. it started off slow, but we both couldn't resist before we had started pushing each other up against the marble countertops and getting all grabby on each other.

and yet somehow after all of the tears i've shed and with the bitterness still lingering on my tongue, one thing led to another and we ended up here—me, pinned up against my bedroom door with billie's body pressed so closely to mine to the point where i could barely even think straight.

the air felt so so warm, and it was like our thoughts had become telepathic, showing each other the surge of lust that had overpowered all of our senses, everything seemed to blur together like a thick fog covering the entire town.

this entire altercation still felt so familiar, blending in with the familiar scent of vanilla that always lingered around my room which swirled at my nostrils, although now it was being completely overpowered by the heavy scent of her perfume, mingling with the taste of her lips, bitter and sweet all at once, like everything i both craved and feared. the cold air that had made its way from the ac tickled at the hairs on my forearms momentarily, it had soon vanished because of our body heat meshing together. with her body against mine, the heat of it, the way her perfume rubbed onto to my skin, her heavy breathing morphing with mine—it was like i was completely drowning in her.

i could feel the hard wood of my door digging harshly into my spine as she continued to push me against it, but even that slight discomfort was nothing compared to the way she kissed me. there was something almost feral in the way she touched me this time. she was so desperate, so full of want and mostly need that it almost frightened me. she's driven by such passion and desire that it could scare you. sometimes, when billie wants something, she could want it so badly that it could hurt. and right now, she wanted me.

and i let her.

"do with me what you want. take me. just ask if i want to and see the answer you'll get—just don't let me say no,"

-andré aciman

she could ask me to do anything right in this moment, and i would say yes without any hesitation.

i let her do as she pleased with me because despite everything, i couldn't help myself. it was oddly terrifying about how easily i gave in and how quickly i surrendered to something as simple as her touch. it wasn't just that i wanted her—it was that she had me in the palm of her hand, in her grasp, in a chokehold. it felt like i was hers to command and here for her to control. if she told me to jump off a bridge, i'd do it. if she told me to kill for her, i'd oddly do it, doesn't mean i want her to. if she told me to kill myself, i literally wouldn't even hesitate. that's what fucking scared me. the fact that i would do it all because she told me to. all just to please her wishes.

and still, i yearned for her. i yearned for her like nothing else, like nobody else, even if i already have her. falling for her now felt like falling for her all over again like when i first met her at the docks. currently, it feels as though i'm stuck in this endless loop of wanting her more and more each and every time she touches me.