𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 𝐁𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 - 𝐁.𝐄

thirty two - everlong

•
julia.
•

august 12th.

she seemed really really mad. the anger in her expression itself seemed like it could just reach out and strike me—like she wanted to punch my face in until you couldn't tell it was me anymore. her voice cut through the stillness of the evening like a sharp knife against the delicate waves between us.

she called my name. "jule!" it was laced with intensity and aggression that made my goosebumps raise. she didn't even use my full nickname. instead, she gave an even shortened version. she made my name sound like a fucking vape, an object; making me feel like i was stripped of anything with any personal significance. essentially, i was nothing. once again.

i gulped hard, trying to get rid of the already building anxiety that made my throat tighten.

even though billie was shorter than me, she still scared me like no other. i always thought that she was probably a lot stronger than me both physically and mentally.

literally her presence alone makes me feel so diminutive and fragile. her posture, her personality, the way she'd get stern, her intimidation, her demeanor, all of it gave off such intimidating strength that felt so powerful.

not to mention her age. the simple fact that her being older than me only made me feel even more less-than and made me feel much more inadequate. all of the reasonings that added up kept making me feel like i'm only a dumb teen, a mere child, someone who was not only inexperienced in a lot more things that she'd done in life but also seeming utterly powerless in her eyes. she's probably always viewed me that way—smaller, weaker, and far too immature for her maturity. it hurts.

i can't help but think she thinks i'm pathetic too. if i think it, doesn't she?

i got up to my feet slowly, my damp feet creating wet footprints along the creaky wooden dock. i looked down to straighten out my sweater, then looking at the planks before me since i was far to scared to look the girl in the eyes even if she were an acre or so away from me.

she flared her arms all around, her pointer finger pointing to the left towards my house and past the tree fence, presumably to where the gate to my driveway would be. "open your fucking gate." she demanded, her voice loud and clear as it bounced from dock to dock.

i furrowed my brows, my mind feeling torn between defiance and submission. should i stand my ground or obey her? she literally seems like she wants to come over just to kill me. her anger and dominance was overwhelming me. but i haven't even heard from her in what feels like a billion years. what if i just take it? what if i allow it? what does she even want from me? would it be worth it to let her come over?

"why!?" i retorted, calling out loudly to her with my tone laced with a hint of defiance, my voice trembling slightly despite the bravado.

she folded her arms tightly to her chest, and i could almost see the roll of her bright blue eyes in response, even from like an acre away. "talk." she shouted curtly. her tone was weary, as though it had already drained her and she was simply too tired to continue to bicker and argue. of course, she still remained the dominant one. even when i tried to be more assertive towards her, we both knew that it would get me nowhere—that she always takes the lead.

i huffed to myself, a breath of resignation escaping my lips before I began to trudge down the dock. my surrender was really quick and unceremonious. it felt pitiful and embarrassing. i was unable to resist her demands even when i wanted to. fuck me. it's this desperation? or is it just in her nature to win what she wants all the time?

as i made it onto my backyard, the grass beneath my feet felt cool and slightly prickly as it brushed against my the soles of my feet as i made my way towards the gate. the gate seemed like an ever-distant boundary, like it enjoyed to mock my hesitation by barely coming into view.