𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 𝐁𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 - 𝐁.𝐄

twenty two - doyouseeit

•
julia.
•

august 8th.

she left again before the sun even thought of rising. she left before my body had a chance to register the emptiness in the room. again. the silence that followed her absence pressed against my chest, pulling me awake in that sluggish way that forces you to rub your eyes as if wiping the sleep from your eyelids might somehow bring her back.

but when i sat up and looked towards the door, i noticed something different that separated this time from the last sleepover we had, the door was shut. it was as if she wanted to close me out completely. it was like she wanted to leave no trace of her departure. it was deliberate. each move and decision of hers calculated, giving me a goodbye without a sound.

why doesn't she just wait for me to wake up? why doesn't she let us sit in the hours that stretch between night and morning? why can't we just stay in that soft golden haze where it feels like the world belongs only to us only for a moment? just once, why can't she let me hold on a little longer? stay a little longer? the questions simmer inside of me, biting at the edges of my thoughts until they feel too sharp to keep swallowing down. i've swallowed so many of them already.

i glance over at her empty side of the be. it's as if she was never even there yet again. the sheets are smooth, her side being the only side tucked in with a precision that makes my bones ache. on her side, the pillows were perfectly aligned, each one stiff yet weighing nothing physically, but weighing on me mentally from the metaphors. not a single crease nor the slightest hint of a wrinkle betrays her presence. everything is just so neat and so untouched, having left so cold. and in that moment, it feels like a poem, with the haunting metaphors that tell me she's never really been here not only physically, but also not in the way that matters. and most importantly, not in the way that i need.

i groan softly, the sound half-trapped in my throat as my legs swing off the edge of the bed. they reluctantly dangle there heavily for a minute, like they know that moving forward is going to be as pointless as the day ahead of me.

i literally just there momentarily on pause, suspended in a fog of temporary hesitation as i feel her absence settle into every corner of the room, every corner of my constantly running mind, even deep into my bones, and into the very air that i breathe.

i rub a cool hand over my forehead, feeling the sheen of oil slick against my fingertips. a reminder of time that won't stop, of skin that keeps going, of life that demands something from me even when i have nothing left to give.

it's the sign i've been waiting for to tell me it's time to go get my ass up and go through the motions again go wash this heaviness off my skin, even though i know it'll settle right back into me tomorrow.

the same ago nixing, mind numbing, mundane series of tasks that take part in my morning routine that wake me up in the early hours of the day barely registers anymore. it's so repetitive that it blurs, each day bleeding into the next until i can't tell when one ends and the other begins. time loses meaning when every morning feels the same, but also happens to feel like the last each time.

i finish making the bed—my side now matching the perfection of what was once her side. i stand back and stare at it, and something inside of me aches yet again. it's just a bed, but it feels like more. it feels like the place where i lose her a little more every day.

i just wish she wouldn't leave. i wish she'd stop messing and toying with me and my heart, along with these feelings that are burning a hole inside of me.

i always feel myself getting hotter every time she walks into a room, every single time she does i feel my cheeks flush with blush that appears uncontrollably which betrays me. it's becoming harder and harder to hide. i know she must see it. she has to. so why doesn't she say anything? why does she keep stringing me along and make me hope for something more when all she's doing is pulling me deeper into the ache of it all? it's cruel. i feel so raw and so exposed. she's the one with the power to break me, and she's breaking me without even trying.