𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 𝐁𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 - 𝐁.𝐄

thirty three - bittersuite

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omniscient.
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billie had never felt more guilty. it felt like something heavy and dark had lodged itself deep within every crevice of her chest, making it harder to breathe and harder to think whenever she looked at the girl she hurt.

she wanted to rewind, to take back the words she'd so carelessly tossed into the space between them, the words that now felt like sharp and jagged glass, cutting deeper than she'd meant them to. it wasn't supposed to be like this. not for her, and most certainly not for julia.

but this was the problem—billie had never been good at articulating what she felt, especially when it came to things similar to this, these situations—confronting her wrongdoings firsthand scared her more than she was willing to admit. it's not an easy thing to do.

when she had first gone into it, she thought that all of this could just be a summer fling, a brief yet exhilarating moment in the sun that would fade away as quickly as it had come. she thought it could be something that she could leave behind without looking back. but just the moment she kissed julia, everything shifted inside her like the earth cracking open, and it terrified her. it changed her perception, her entire beliefs had vanished. she felt as though it could be an autumn fling too, then a winter fling, followed by a spring fling, and then another summer fling, until they'd repeat the cycle year after year.

billie had promised herself it wouldn't be anything serious. she had sworn to herself that she wouldn't catch feelings and that she wouldn't let herself fall in love ever again. but the way julia's lips felt against hers, the way julia tasted, the way their bodies fit together so perfectly like two puzzle pieces that had been waiting for this exact moment, stirred something deep inside her. something dangerous.

for billie, it wasn't just lust, though it really seemed like just that. to her, it was turning into something much bigger, thinking of something with the potential to grow, to evolve into something that could change her life, both of their lives. love. the word alone made her guts twist and turn, it being such a foreign though that it made her stomach upset. she wasn't ready for that. she can't fall in love with her, no matter how badly she wants to.

she wasn't ready to risk it all for something so unpredictable and so uncontrollable—to love another life when she could barely love her own. but this time, she didnt do what she always did when she was faced with something that scared her. she didn't shut down. she didn't run. she stayed. she didn't leave like how she always does the mornings of their sleepovers, she stayed there, basking it all in for as long as she could.

then there was julia. just sitting there and looking at her with those hazel eyes that held a world full of pain billie had unknowingly caused, a world that billie didn't know how to fix—all due to not getting the words across correctly. all due to billies lie.

the thing is, julia had been ready to take the risk, she has always been ready to dive in headfirst and fall for her—not just for the night, not just for a brief moment of passion, but for something long-lasting, something that would endure beyond the summer heat, something really good.

julia had been fantasizing about it from the moment billie called out to her on the docks, weaving her own make-believe stories in her head about what they could be, what they could become if only billie would let her in.

and now all julia was left with was the sharp sting of rejection, a gnawing feeling with a voice stuck in the back of her head that keeps telling her that billie had never actually cared about her and that she had never seen her as anything more than a fling, or practically an object.

julia felt stupid and pathetic for ever thinking that this could've been something real. billie goes home and she has grammy's and oscar's waiting on her shelves, julia goes home and the next day she'll have school.