𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 𝐁𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 - 𝐁.𝐄

twenty eight - stay

•
julia.
•

august 11th.

he knocked on my door at exactly 2:15 p.m. like clockwork, he was punctual and eager. i had the whole day planned out in my head for the two of us. it wasn't anything too grand, but just enough to stir things up.

in my plans, we'd hit the shops downtown first. he'd take the bill, of course, because let's keep it a buck, no woman should ever pay when she's out with a man, right? duh.

then, we'd grab dinner, something nice but still casual, followed by late-night boba run, a sweet ending that i could already taste lingering on my lips.

but there was an ulterior motive beneath all of this. i hoped and nearly prayed that at least at one of those random places, i'd run into billie. maybe even have her just catch a glimpse of me, and see me with elliot.

honestly, who am i kidding? she barely even leaves the cottage. maybe it would be too risky to get seen out in public over here. it's always finneas, claudia, or her parents bustling in and out of that place, as if the whole world revolves around them and she's just some ghost, left to haunt the empty halls of that home next door.

they worry about her constantly, though. they're always asking where she is, constantly texting her phone or calling her, yet she never leaves the house unless it's with me and occasionally with them. it's strange, how they leave her behind, alone, worried that someone will catch her as if she's held hostage in the cottage and remains a secret, and yet she's the one on their minds constantly. on my mind constantly.

"you good?" elliot asked, his voice slipping into my thoughts and disrupting them like a ripple disturbing a still little pond. his words echoed and bounced, reverberating inside the walls in my head until they pulled me back into reality. i must've drifted off again and became lost in the haze of my own mind long enough for him to notice.

i walked beside him, our steps in rhythm as we threaded through the busy sidewalk. bodies moved past us like ghosts, their faces were all blurred and indistinct. everything seemed fuzzy around the edges of reality and my own mental world of delusions began to reduce into a soft unfocused mess.

meanwhile, elliot—sweet, oblivious elliot, was carrying both of my shopping bags, cradling them in his hands like they weighed nothing while i just clutched my small purse that dangled from my shoulder.

i nodded, glancing up at him. "yeah, sorry." i tell him, my voice quiet and almost drowned out by the hum and chatter from the people walking past us in the town. i shook off the fogginess in my mind, trying to be present with him and trying my best to act like everything wasn't unraveling in my head.

he smiled at me with that innocent little smile of his, the one that always made me feel like i didn't deserve him. he's such a good guy. i love him—as a friend, of course. every so often, i caught him glancing down at the pavement, like he was too nervous to look at me for too long. "what's on your mind?" he asked, his voice filled with genuine curiosity, hoping to draw me out of whatever world i'd drifted into.

i swallowed hard, the familiar tightness gathering in my chest.

billie. it's always billie. she lingers in every corner of my mind like a shadow i can't step away from. everything i do is literally for her. even now, with elliot here, holding his hand, doing things platonic friends normally don't do, overall just playing the part that i want him to really be here. when in honesty, it's all for her.

but i can't tell him that. how could i? billie is my secret, what we have is our secret. what happened between us is too crazy to even believe. even if she's not here now, even if she's off somewhere else with that tall guy, she's still a part of me in a way that elliot could never understand. and i don't need to burden him with that, along with the fact that i'm using him for her. this is my mess to hold, it's my sick obsession, all my desire, all my passion, all of it tangled up in knots that i can't untie, but can't ask someone else to help.