𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 𝐁𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 - 𝐁.𝐄

thirty six - heavy

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julia.
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august 16th.

unfortunately, that didn't stop us from constantly falling back into bed together and fucking every night we could, as if that was the only thing we knew how to do together.

as of now, my fingertips ghost over the ink etched into her skin, tracing the delicate lines of the tattoo along her spine like it's a map i've learned. she's asleep, or at least resting, her breathing is deep and steady, completely oblivious to how i'm tethering myself to her with just this small and almost insignificant gesture.

we've been doing this for nights upon nights now where she'd sneak into my bed as if it's some kind of secret hideaway and as if it's our world and nothing else outside of it exists. you'd think someone in her life like her family or her team would be worried about the number of nights their precious celebrity daughter wasn't in her own bed, and instead here she is, sleeping in mine, again.

it always starts so innocently. a day out just walking along the docks at the marina while the sun sets like we're pretending to be something more for a moment. or maybe we'd stay in, play card games, board games, video games, laugh, get comfortable, anything to pass the time.

then there's always this lull, a moment where i let myself believe that maybe this is more than just simple living, that maybe i mean something more to her, maybe something beyond just physical attraction. but it never stays that way. it's always the same. every single night begins and ends the same way. she starts with those gentle kisses that start slow and sweet, while being almost tentative like she's only giving me a glimpse of what i crave. then it always turns into something much deeper, something heavier, something hungrier, until our hands are everywhere, pulling, grasping, ripping clothes off like we're in a race against time.

it's all just a game to her, i realize that now. i understand it now. to her, i'm not a person. i'm just an object. im just a body to fill the space in the moment. and i let her. over and over again, i let her use me. because the truth is, i'd rather be used by her than be nothing to her at all. that's what's pathetic, isn't it? i'm willing to settle for this—for nothing actually. but i can't help myself.

she won't remember this. she won't remember how my fingers brush her back, or how our skin presses together in the dark. she'll forget it all, just like how she forgets me the moment she walks out of that door. but i want her to remember. i want her to feel it like i do. i want her to feel the weight of it, the heat, the way it lingers long after the moment's gone. i want her to melt into me the way i melt into her. but she never does. and she never will. i hate how much i need her. i hate that i've fallen in love with someone who will never love me back.

sometimes, when i lie here after she's gone, i find myself wishing that the twenty-fifth would come faster. i just wish that my mom would just drive me home and this whole summer would disappear like a bad dream. i wish that i could just forget about her and forget about all of this. i'd block billie the second i got home, i'd reconnect with the friends i've neglected, i'd focus on my schooling, i'd focus on anything but this suffocating need that i have for her. but the twenty-fifth feels impossibly far away.

id be lying if i told you i didn't think about leaving early. i'd fantasize about packing up and driving home myself, to call it quits before i have to keep enduring this slow and agonizing heartbreak unravel right before me. but then there's a part of me that just wants to stay. it's a part of me that can't bear the thought of leaving her behind, even if she doesn't care and even if she never will.

even now as she sleeps beside me, her body warm and solid next to mine, i feel this aching distance between us. our smooth legs are tangled, her breath soft against the skin on my free arm draped over her, and yet she still feels like she's a million miles away. my fingers still trace the lines of her tattoo, but it's like i'm reaching out for something that i'll never be able to hold onto, because essentially, that's what we are.

this is all we will ever be, just fleeting moments that only happen in the dark, something just to pass the time for her mere entertainment. and i know that. i can fully understand it. but part of me still wants to fall into it, to let myself get swept away by her for the last week or two we have left. i wanna let myself believe just for a little while longer. i wanna believe that this could be something more.

i've never let myself fall for anyone before, at least not like this. but i'm terrified i've already fallen too far. i'm terrified that now i'll never be able to climb back out.

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901 words.
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