Achromatic Adventure

Ghost

I woke up that morning feeling like my body was heavier than usual, turning over in my bed felt like I was exerting all my strength to push a car down the road.

I blinked and months flew by. I went through the motions like always But I never really felt like myself. I just felt like I was on autopilot. I went to class, and I made sure to keep up with my grades as best as I could, but no matter what I did, everything felt so foreign to me after the night that Turstin ended things. the smallest thing would make me cry, a simple gesture from someone I didn't know felt like an attack. But despite all of that, I think the worst part was feeling Like everything in my life has shifted and no matter who made me laugh or what tried to brighten my day everything just felt like it didn't belong. I felt like I was just taking up space because I wasn't worth working through things with. I felt like I wasn't worth fighting for. At the end of the day I think that was my hardest realization that cut me to the core. The one person that I have been involved with romantically that made me feel like they saw me for the first time in my life and that they valued me enough to go the distance that nobody else would attempt, turned their back on me. I felt like I was standing in a room that was Pitch Black and the only light that I had burned out. Most of the time, even when I was surrounded by people, I felt terribly alone. after a while I got tired of talking about it because every time I would try I just felt pathetic, but when I was alone and the lights were off, my bed felt like it was the size of my entire room and the space beside me felt like there was an indentation of a person there even though there was nothing but a couple of old blankets and a pillow that still smelled like him.

I could deal with passing him in the hallways at the University because I would just pretend like I was acting in a movie or some kind of popular sitcom, Cute boy looks at you and you make sure that you look as interesting and unbothered as possible. These were high school rules that I hoped that I would never have to use again, but I shamelessly pulled them out of my closet and dusted them off so that I could survive being in the same school with someone who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. someone that realistically shouldn't exist to me anymore once we're no longer involved. I tried that too, unfortunately to no avail. When someone tells you that the body keeps score they're definitely right about that and even though it sounds cliche you might want to listen, but they neglect to tell you that your mind does too.

On days where I felt like I had survived, there were minimal thoughts of him and I didn't take a couple of minutes before bed to smell one of the shirts that he had let me keep at my house, I thought I was safe. my brain, on the other hand, always had other plans for me. as soon as my head hit the pillow and I fell asleep deep enough to dream there he was. more often than not he was standing outside of my front door with a few bags packed in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other. we would stand there silently looking at each other speaking without words like we often did. After a while the silence would be too much and he would start crying and apologize for not being willing to change when I needed him to and for hurting me the way that so many others had hurt me before. I would nod my head silently in acknowledgment before bursting into tears myself and pulling him into a warm embrace. That's the thing about dreams when they become so vivid that you can smell a person's cologne and feel their warm touch against you whenever you hold them as tight as you can, it almost feels like a little piece of you dies.

Then you wake up, you roll over and you realize that none of it was real and you're back to square one. The world keeps turning regardless of how you feel and no one wants to hear about your depressing dreams when there are finals coming up.