Gwen's Life Journal

I feel like I'm about to throw up (Realization moment)

Hello!

A few months have passed since I wrote the following chapter. You'll see that the following realizations and theories happened one after the other, and honestly, I really needed a break. The month of September came with its own set of surprises I'll address later 'cause they are juicy, and then October was a peaceful month I so needed. I have now returned to spill the new tea in my life, but first, I'll share this chapter. It's very odd, weird, and feels unfinished, but it portrays exactly how I was feeling about the whole situation. In summary, Maine is no longer in my life. Her lingering presence of being on social media, liking a few of my posts yet ignoring me, was causing me stress and anger, so I blocked her and decided to let go of that friendship. When it came to Lola, we had a deep conversation and I decided to start fresh with her. However, I'll admit, up until this day I am not as open with her about my life as I was. With Alex... I did something petty. 2 things to be exact. I don't regret them. So, without further ado...

 This is a list of some crazy realizations I have come to after the whole shabakle the past couple of months have been:

1. Some time has passed after the whole Maine situation. I have tried to reach out to her but she is nowhere to be found. She does post on her IG sometimes, which at least gives me the signal that she is actually alive and well. But it also serves as a prove that the bitch is purposely ignoring me. As I was in bed a week ago, I was reliving the situation, and I tried to put myself in the perspective of Maine, specifically in thinking about what could lead her to want to tell me but never to. There are two possible motives that come to mind. 

a. I'm being fucking delulu, and she simply didn't give a damn about me. 

b. What is she was also in love with me? And this came to mind after I found so many similarities between Zach and I, and me and her. As with Zach,  I pulled the plug on all communication. I was never able to tell him to his face because a huge part of me still had love for him left. And then he kept reaching out, but it was already too late. It's a great way to end things on a "positive" note. This also explains why I was the last friend she talked to. She didn't ignore me like the rest... for a bit.

2. I'll bring back Zach for the second point in more detail only because he is an integral part of the moment this realization came to mind. For context, about the following situation I am about to talk about, I tried writing 2 weeks ago. I realized I had actually referenced this event here, and my mouth dropped. I felt extremely horrible, and I couldn't really differentiate my reality from the actual reality, and it made me feel sick to my stomach. 

I was journaling while watching Netflix, literally just doodling and organizing my manifestations for the month and then my guardian angels whispered to me "do you remember the conversation Zach had with Lola after your date?"

And that was when I fucking realized... what happened there?

And if you haven't read that chapter, I, of course, invite you to read it (Mr. Mc'Cheater (Zach Zach Zach... when are you gonna leave my life? Part 2)) but in it, basically I talked about the time  after our date ... and there was a part where I wrote the following:

Well, two things:

a. I remember he forgot his jacket at Lola's house, and the next day, he went there to get it. This is a relevant detail since he stayed there the whole afternoon talking about deep stuff with her. What deep stuff? I have no clue. And don't worry, Lola is not the cheating aspect here, so no, he didn't go there to make out with her or anything like that. He had told me he was going to go to her house to get it but ended up making conversation (which isn't odd given that Lola and Zach were also good friends). The night before, I don't know why, but I also ended up keeping one of those gel bracelets of him with me (I don't even remember what flirty move I made to take it from him in the first place), and I asked him if he wanted it back so that he could get it as well, but he ended up telling me to keep it.

Before I get to the second point, I explain this one because even though I do not know what happened during that conversation, I can sense that it was the push he needed for the second part. Also, I want to explain why I never told (and actually have never told) Lola about my crush on Zach or the dates. The reason for this is that Lola's family has known Zach's family since a very, very long time ago. Lola and Zach were never as close as they were at the time these events happened, but they were indeed acquaintances. Lola has a really good relationship with her family, and on many occasions, it was pretty obvious that things we talked about, she also discussed with her family. Not in a gossipy way, but as catching up with her family and talking about topics we discussed. This made me almost promise myself never to talk anything about Zach with her because if I did, she would tell her family, and although her parents didn't worry me, she does have a very noisy cousin (and sister btw) who does get her nose where she doesn't have to and LOOOOOOOVES spreading gossip around. The last thing I wanted was for this cousin to spread details to Zach's family about my feelings for him.

Because of this, I tried to get Lola to tell me what they had talked about that day, but she just said it had been a good deep conversation. Which, again, in retrospection, I think might have had something to do with what happened next and I can sort of pinpoint what the topic was.

b. Two days later he spent the weekend at a family's place with none other than Ariel. 

The reason why rereading this made me sick to my stomach is because I realized that this Maine situation wasn't the first time Lola had hidden shit from me and lied in the process of staying true to other people. It was the second one. Because the first time she had talked to Zach, he had made her promise not to say anything about that conversation and then everything else unfolded.

And when did Lola lie the first time? Well, I have been rereading my chapters because I swear I wrote about this situation, but I can't find it anywhere. The point was that about a year after Zach came out dating Ariel, one day, Lola and I went on a friend's date, and while eating, she asked me about Zach. At the time, it made sense: he was part of the group, the whole MIA situation was happening, and out of the whole friend group, I was the closest one to him. I told her I hadn't heard from him, and she asked me, "Don't you think he had feelings for you? And that he might have told Ariel, and that is the reason why he hasn't returned (because his girlfriend felt uncomfortable with you?)"

...

And at the time, my first stupid thought was, "Wow this girl got it all together. I must have been really obvious with the whole situation."

INSTEAD OF THINKING

"HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW?!"

WHICH NOW I KNOW WAS BECAUSE THEY HAD TALKED ABOUT IT... A YEAR PRIOR... AND THAT WAS HER WAY OF TELING ME "I WANT YOU TO JUMP INTO THE CONCLUSIONS YOURSELF SO THAT I AM NOT THE ONE THAT TOLD YOU"

WHICH WAS EXACTLY THE SAME THING THAT HAPPENED WITH MAINE!!!!!!!

-END-

Again, after writing these feelings months ago, I took a deserved break. Life has taken a turn to the positive, and I feel renewed. I'll post new things about Lukas, Alex, and more and just... have fun and enjoy life. Until the next one!