Gwen's Life Journal

Expresing my final thoughts about Zach

I know, I know.

I said a bunch of times that the last part of Zach's story would be the last time I talked about him.

However, something happened, and I don't know how I feel about it... and that's odd for me because I'm the type of person who thinks and meditates a lot, so when it comes to expressing feelings, I know exactly how and why I am feeling whichever way.

This time, though, I think because I have mixed feelings, I don't feel it as clearly as before.

The process of getting rid of Zach in social media was... a process. I first muted him, then restricted him, and then unfollowed him. I never blocked him because I felt like a part of me was hopeful that, at the very least, our friendship could be saved, and how embarrassing would it have been if we talked again and I said, "Yeah, I kinda have to follow you again cause I unfollowed you..."

And a part of me now feels that I was COMPLETELY delusional about the fact that after so many things he did that hurt me, I still hoped for a restart. But what can I say? It's what happened, and that's how I felt at the time.

To be honest, the restriction thing helped a lot. He was no longer recommended on my socials or anywhere, I couldn't see what he posted, and I had the safety net that if he ever wanted to comment on any of my posts, I had to approve the comment first (I am talking mostly about IG, btw, since that's the platform I use the most).

The thing is that the other day (and I mean... really... recently), my accounts sent me a notification suggesting (specifically only that account, I might add) that I followed him since it was a person "I probably know and several people I follow, follow back."

Now these are the moments where I look at AI, algorithms, and all of those tech things and wonder, "How can you be so great for amazing things and suck so much right now?" Because, why would my IG suggest I follow this "random" dude that many people I follow, follow back if I followed him for years and suddenly muted, restricted, and unfollowed?

The point is that the notification appears; I click the 'X' so that it goes away, and I continue on with my life. The day after, I was talking to Lola on the phone, and I told her, "Gurl, is like my IG that just suggested me to follow Zach...[blah, blah, blah]" and then she goes, "I didn't know you unfollowed him," to which I responded "Yeah, gurl, a while ago. Like... what was the point?"

and then she says...

"Yeah, I get it. then you don't know about him getting married, right? He posted a pic of the wedding in his IG stories..."

At the moment, I hadn't told Lola anything. I think I mentioned this before in another chapter, but the reason I don't talk to Lola about anything related to Zach and our situationship is because her family is very close with his, and although Lola is chill, I know her sister and parents are capable of spilling info to Zach's family. And I would like to avoid that cause, let me tell you that, although I was always on Zach's family's good side, they can be described as a pack of red foxes, known for being cute on the outside and extremely dangerous out of nowhere.

And this is the moment when my mixed feelings enter. I didn't felt necessarily sad, but it was almost as if my past self felt extremely angry that Zach married Ariel (which I think is valid, honestly. The dude married the girl he cheated me with). But my current self was relieved that, pretty much (I know there are exceptions) once you get married, the deal is sealed and that now that chapter of my life was closed.

Now that I am writing it, I think that that relief came from the fact that, for some odd reason, I was so in love with Zach that my mind blocked the minor red flags, but I have always, always said that a taken man is a huge no-no for me. And, since he wasn't married, a part of me was hopeful he would leave her and return to me. But now that he is married, he can't do that. Unless he gets divorced. And, honestly, the only reason I see that happening with this relationship he's in, is if he cheats (which a lot of people don't believe he's capable of doing but we know he already has a track record of).

Another part of me is nostalgic, I guess, because this also served as a confirmation that what we experienced from years of friendships to our situationship (which had a few good parts) will never return.

And although I try to stay optimistic about it, knowing that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that I have a long life ahead of me... It's so fucking hard to stay positive in your love life, hoping that a person that you don't know yet and that you have never seen is better than the guy who was your first love ever.

Anyways. Closing the door is never easy. And I will not see the benefit of what happened until something better comes along.

But it's time to bury this relationship.

A part of me is still trying to learn how to let go of resentment towards people who have hurt me badly. And I try very hard. But sometimes, the little devil in me takes control, and I meditate or write to let it have some freedom.

Every once in a while, I wonder if the day will come when people will see his true colors. If he ever cheats on his now wife, everyone will be surprised except me. People will sit and wonder how one of the friendliest people in the world who married a girl who seemed equally in love with him and had the perfect marriage could do it. But I won't. 'Cause I was once the one being tricked. And he was lucky that I kept it quiet.

But we all know.

The truth always comes out.

And the way my truth of the story will come out as well is only if his side equally arises.

And when that happens, I will be ready.

And he will be... his true self... a liar.