Heart On The Edge

Chapter 34

ADARSH'S POV

I dressed up in black polo neck shirt that my mom loved with beige jeans. When me and Dad and Roshni arrived at the venue, Kashvi and Shashank were already there. Kashvi wore a white kurta with black jeans. My dad was wearing exact same outfit as Kashvi...

"Hii"

Kashvi greeted awkwardly

"Hii...ummm Kashvi, ye Roshni hai."

"Namaste"

They both greeted each other. I gave them a proper introduction later.
Dad stood right next to me when the people came in. They lit candles, put up a frame. Sat in front of her picture. Made wishes for her. Some cried. It wasn't for my mother, it was because of their own traumas they experienced. Everyone shook hands with me, gave me dull eyes and said- Sorry for your loss.
Kashvi was managing the media there. Shashank was also tailing behind here.
And then towards the end if the memorial, they said they wanted me to make a speech. On my mother. And this memorial feels hell enough....I can't talk about her. I haven't since she died.
So I walk away from the crowd silently. I look around, where should I go? What should I do? I feel something in my chest which makes me really uneasy. I find a huge banyan tree about 50m from the venue and I walk there. I sit down at the trunk on the tree, bring my knees up to my chest and hug them tightly. I feel like I am going to cry. I don't know how to cry. I haven't in a long time. And then I pull out a small packet....on Heroin.

40 Mins Later

I feel a shadow calmer than the banyan tree over me, I look up, Its Kashvi. Its also Shashank. Fucking Shashank!

"Adarsh, yaha kya kar rahe ho?"

"Kk...kaa"

I am unable to speak.

"Dude you are having a nose bleed"

Shashank points out so I touch my nose....I am indeed. Kashvi bends down to my level. She is concerned and then shock hits her. I can see Shashank is shocked too

"Fuck Kashvi, that's crack!"

No its not good man, that's heroin

"Kya kiya yeh tumne?"

She asked me with shocked and concerned eyes. I could see disappointment
My freak is all high up...just like me

"Kk...Kash....vi..Kashvi....I can't"

"What you can't?"

"Can't do this...."

I was freaking out at this point. Tears ran down from the corners of my eyes. Kashvi's face softened. She sat beside me and I immediately took her hand in mine. I didn't Shashank was there

"There is police and media everywhere Kashvi, they are looking for him. He's gonna get caught. Durr raho tum usse"

Kashvi's face looked like she didn't even hear Shashank.

"Get me water Shashank"

"He's on crack"

"No he is not. Its heroin. Shashank, get him water now!"

How was that going to matter him man?! And that doesn't help at all

"U serious? He's a junkie. U wanna be seen with a junkie right now? That would so bad for your repu--"

She immediately turned her neck to Shashank.

"He's not a junkie, He's Adarsh. And I will always defend Adarsh okay!"

She looked at me again. She defended me in front of Shashank. But Kashvi was least of my concerns in my mind.
Kashvi wiped my nose with her white kurta's sleeve. She cleanes the blood and a bit of heroin.

"I'm sorry. I know I promised you Kashvi"

"You knew about this?"

Shashank asked and Kashvi ignored

"Adarsh, you have to give a speech right now. Why'd you--"

"I am freaking out. I haven't talked about my mom in 6 years. I haven't talked to her! I try to never ever think of her!"

"Its okay to think abt her."

"Oh no! It hurts real bad Kashvi. Thinking about her makes me think about how I lost her. Then how dad left me. Then what I did after that. Its...terrifying"

I was bursting out of tears at this point. Kashvi pulled me closer to her and cupped my face.

"Adarsh...Adarsh...Its fine. Its fine"

"What do I say about her? She was great? They don't care. This is all just political! And I don't even care about that, I just can't do it"

"You don't have to if you don't want to"

"Its not about my choice anymore! Its about all the pain! I can't turn it off"

"You can never turn the pain Adarsh"

"I can't take it anymore Kashvi! I just wanna end it. I feel like dying and I--"

"Adarsh!!"

She stopped me in between.

"Don't you dare say that! Its been very hard saving you from death twice!"

"You saved me Kashvi!"

I tighten my grip on her hand and pulled her a bit closer

"Make it go away. I can't fucking breathe Kashvi!"

"Listen Adarsh. Listen, You have a hold of yourself. I know it hurts. And it sucks. But your mom would want this. She needs this. You need this. You can fight this because you are Adarsh Dasgupta. You have fought worse days and nights. Yes, you gave up before but you are back on your feet. Trust me Adarsh, like you always have. You'll get through this. I am here by your side--"

"Like always"

I said between my sobs. She smiled a little. And nodded.

So I got up. Had a cup of terrible tea. Went back to the venue, shook a few more hands and then stood in front of all those people. Kashvi was in front of me in the crowd now.

"6 years ago, I lost my mother. She wasn't my biological mother"

They were kinda shocked hearing this

"But she raised me like her own. And when I lost her, I didn't just loose my mom. I lost my dad too, my career, my Reputation. And that was the worst time to fall in love too"

I scoffed a little and looked at Kashvi.

"And I lost that love too. Which kinda looks permanent....like my mother never coming back. The pain is permanent. But I have seen worse days and I'll get through this. And so will everyone with a trauma of loosing someone"

People were crying now.

"On the end. When you loose somebody, every candle, every prayer is not going to make up for the fact that the only thing you have left is a hole where that somebody you cared about used to be"

Kashvi was crying now and so was I

"Saraswati Dasgupta, always in my heart"

That moment, I looked up at the sky and I felt my mom was looking down at me. And in that moment, I knew I wanted to live, love and make my mother proud of me.

Kashvi hugged me after my speech.

"Good job Adarsh"

"Told ya in Bhutan, I need heroin....with an e. Heroine."

She smiled at me.
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