Made For Me

Forever yours

Nicki Pov :

Kash and I cuddled on the couch with a soft blanket, waiting for Beyonce to return. I knew she could be hours, completely focused on resolving the Whop situation. As I sat there, I found my gaze unconsciously drawn to my purse, sitting on the coffee table.

I had to set aside my own emotions for the first time and really empathize with the state I had left Giselle in. When this letter was written, she was clearly heartbroken and in a vulnerable state, so I had to brace myself for the possibility of being hurt by what she had to say.

During therapy, Megan made great efforts to avoid triggering feelings of guilt I had, all while striving to help me comprehend the full extent of G's pain. As much as I was reluctant to admit, I didn't handle things because it was ultimately the right thing to do. It was just the better excuse.

Retrieving the letter from my purse, I reached for the glass of wine resting beside it. The sealed envelope appeared to have no signs of wear or tear. As I carefully opened it, I felt a flutter in my stomach, savoring the anticipation. I didn't want to damage the well-preserved letter.

Onika

The first line addressed me directly and formally, making me feel a bit uneasy.

I wish I could say I'm exaggerating, but the truth is, my whole world altered when I met you, and it shattered when you left. You mean everything to me, and without you, nothing feels the same.

Despite feeling hurt and disappointed, I realized that even in that state she still loved me and that made me smile.

The very mention of your name fills me with an overwhelming sense of joy. I yearn to be near you, to catch a glimpse of your face, to hear your voice, and to feel your touch, even if only for a brief moment. My mind is flooded with memories of our time together from the moment I wake up until I drift off to sleep.

The words hit me like a punch to the chest. Beyoncés unconditional love for me left me feeling undeserving. Despite sharing the same grief, we interpreted it differently. I saw it as a case of meeting the right person at the wrong time, while Beyoncé saw it as losing everything.

My strongest belief is that God made you just for me. I feel you in every room I walk in because I carry you in my spirit. My heart aches to see you in any distress and to know how much hurt I caused you deeply saddens me.

She always insisted that I was made specifically for her, and she was unwavering in this belief.

I have prayed for you more than I have ever prayed for myself because you're what brings my soul peace when it's feeling restless. Thoughts of you loving someone might be the death of me, still, then my dying wish would be to hold you. For you are mine and I am yours.

The stream of tears running down my burning cheeks had gone unnoticed until they started to stain the paper. Our session made it clear that Beyoncé harbored some resentment against me for how I chose to handle our situation. Even still at the height of all of her emotions, she willingly took all the blame.

The devil figure on my shoulder masquerades as a divine being, keeping me distressed. I am a threat, and being close to me is not without its dangers. My life has been filled with traumas, and I have found myself entrapped in darkness. However, when you grace me with your smile, the entire world seems to hold more promise. I understand that no one aspires to lead a life such as mine.

Anger drowned out the guilt, I was upset that I didn't try to understand. My baby was suffering and I had prioritized my feelings, and so did she. Bey was trying something she had never done before and I lacked patience.

From the moment I laid my eyes on you, I have loved you.

Beyoncé had told me the story of the day she first saw me one night in a warm bubble bath. It had been several months before our first initial meeting. A cook had called out unexpectedly and she came to lend a hand. She had hassled Mama Tina while preparing my favorite meal wanting to know if this was my first time eating there. Since then we had missed each other by a few minutes. 

My love for you is so desperate, I can't breathe when you're away. My inability to stop thinking about you tortures me. Every kiss we shared etched its way into my memories, I'm no longer able to sleep without dreaming of you. Sleep has become my only solace since it's the only place I can be with you.

It wasn't a secret where I was. Unfortunately, this was just one of those rare times she chose to honor the boundaries I was setting in place.

A feeling of agony I wouldn't dare give up.

Kash laid his head in my lap likely sensing my need for some comfort. I tried to remind myself that everything happens for a reason and if I had stayed, nothing would've changed.

I understand that what I gave you may not have been a fairytale, but know that I will always be here for you, ready to be your knight in shining armor.

Forever yours.

Thank you. For everything.

The way she signed off let me know it was written after she had forgiven me. I do agree with her, I should have let her know I was going through with the abortion after I teased her with the idea of a family.

I knew Beyoncé had gone through some unimaginable things growing but I never took the time out to think about how that may have affected her. Affected the way she loves and the people she loves. It was evident she didn't let just anyone in so the ones she did were for a reason.

Finishing off my glass of chardonnay I folded the paper making sure the lines were all even before placing it back into the envelope.

We were given another chance after fucking the first one up so badly. That's exactly what we needed to focus on, our second chance. I'm grateful and if I focused on my idiocy I would miss out on this opportunity. Giselle wants to be better for me and I want to be better for her. I want to be the only one to heal every part of her that hurts.

Laying back down I threw the blanket over me and Kash. It was after midnight and like always Beyoncé had me in my feelings. The slight buzz from the wine was enough to intensify my emotions I missed my girlfriend. There was no way to tell when she'd be back this was one of those things she had to turn her phone off for.

Luckily my eyelids became heavy as I stared at the ceiling. I didn't make an effort to stop them hoping that would be the key to drowning out my thoughts. All I could do was wonder what she was doing and if she was safe.