Bound to Happen - A TNN Fan-Fiction

The weight of Expectations

Saturday 3:06AM

It is the middle of the night and I can't sleep I just can't stop thinking about what happened at dinner it was going so well until it wasn't my dad is such a dick, as much as I rather she didn't get violent I am glad Autumn punched my dad like she did, she punched him so hard she broke her hand she is lucky doing okay from my understanding but she said she would rather have not wasted so many hours trying to get her hand reset and casted, sadly it isn't the first and it won't be the last time she does that.

I untangle myself from Marjorie who is asleep next to me and head to the bathroom. I figure I am not getting any sleep tonight so I am just going to take a shower. I turn the shower on and get undressed, I leave the bathroom door unlocked just in case Marjorie wakes up and needs in the bathroom but I doubt she will even wake up.

I get into the shower and I stand there as the water runs over me. I feel so fucking stupid I wish I never went to that dinner or I wish I walked away when Aut and Marj did. I know I have the support of Marjorie, Autumn, my friends but I still feel so alone I am so scared I am going to be sent to a psych ward because of this, I know I might feel less alone because I will be around others who struggle but if I go I will lose my job and I don't want that I enjoy my job a lot even if my dad and the parents suck, the staff and the kids make it all worth it.

As time has been going on lately I feel myself getting worse and worse. I am spiraling down and I do not know how to fix it. I am so isolated from everyone, the only people I have been talking to are Aut and Marj. My office at work even feels like a prison now. I am having a hard time finding a reason to try and a reason to want to get better, but I also know I need to get better for myself and my girlfriend and especially for my sister.

I look down at myself and my body. I can't stand it, I don't look sick at all, I look the same way I have since my mid twenties. I look like I have never had an eating disorder. No wonder my dad does not believe me. I don't even look sick. Maybe I am being dramatic, maybe I am doing it for attention. I mean after all everyone in my life knows I struggle now even though I didn't want them too I wanted it to stay private. It is 100% just for attention.

I avoid the topic as much as I can but when I have a worried sister and girlfriend it is hard, not to mention the gossip of the parents I get asked at least once a day about it by a parent lucky Deliah my deputy manager at work does a good job at chasing off the parents because she is quiet unhinged.

My thoughts keep shifting while I shower but they keep shifting back right to my eating disorder and what my dad said at dinner "I know you have been avoiding me because you were hospitalized for not eating enough. Quite frankly that was a stupid choice of yours and I hope you know that doesn't prove anything to me." his words run over and over in my head "You are a disappointment of a son. It is no wonder your mom left us, her son is sensitive and dramatic, who always tries to play victim."

Maybe my dad is right, maybe my mom leaving is my fault, maybe I am dramatic, maybe I do try and play victim. I just want to make my dad proud and I don't think I ever will, I just want my mom back and I don't think she will ever come back. I just want to feel the love of my parents but I am just a disappointment of a son and I don't deserve anything.

Not even the love of my parents.