Bound to Happen - A TNN Fan-Fiction

Mirrors And Illusions

Wednesday 11:02AM

It is Wednesday, I am no longer in the hospital while Aut and Siobhan still are, I am home alone as I took the day off and Marjorie is at the hospital visiting them both making sure they are okay. I haven't heard from my dad or even heard what happened to him after I beat the shit out of him and truthfully I don't care what happened to him.

I am trying to do what my psychiatrist asked of me recently and that is to look in the mirror and list off the things I see of myself out loud, it is something to help me recover or whatever. I Guess I should try.

I get up and walk to me and Marjorie's bedroom where we have a full length mirror. I walk up to the mirror and imminently close my eyes. I can't do it. I can't fucking do it. I try to convince myself to do it but I just can't do it. I force open my eyes and I see myself. My reflection staring back at me, I take a deep breath and start listing the things I see.

R- "I see myself but it is not me. It is me who has bags under my eyes and dull colored skin."

This isn't me, it can't be me. Is this my reality, mirrors don't lie do they? My hands are trembling and I lift my gaze meeting my reflection again. The sight of myself made my stomach turn. How did I let myself get to this point? How did I manage to become so unrecognizable?

Tears well up in my eyes as I am faced with the reality of what my eating disorder has done to me, what I had done to my body. This Mirror is a cruel reminder of the harm I have caused to myself, the lies and the illusions I have made myself believe.

I take one last look in the mirror, this time I see more than my physical flaws I saw the pain, the fear and desperation in myself, in the little boy in me who just wanted to be an astronaut one day and loved space the little boy who ever could have believed this is what his life would be like when he grew up. I see the little boy who was crying out for help, for acceptance and love from his parents.

R- "Deep breathes Reece this isn't who you are."

I say that as I stare at myself picking myself apart more and more. I feel a familiar feeling to puke but I don't move. I am frozen staring at my reality. My reflection is mocking me, and staring back at me it feels distorted, and exaggerated but I know it's not. I know I am seeing myself and the damage I have caused. My eyes are drawn to everything wrong with me, my stomach, my thighs, my arms, my face, my eyes, my nose, my smile, my hair, my hands, my feet, everything, everything is wrong with me. I am unworthy of love and I am disgusting. I can't seem to look away from this stupid ass mirror, I stare and I keep analyzing myself and I judge every part of my visible body, the longer I look the worse I seem to get. I don't recognize myself anymore.

Tears fall down my face as I whisper to my reflection.

R- "I hate you. I hate you so much."

But it felt like my reflection only mocked me, it only smiled and laughed at my hate for myself. Maybe my dad is right, maybe this is my fault if I didn't hate myself so much. Aut would have never gotten hurt.

R- "This is your fault. It is all your fault."

I yell at myself in the mirror which again feels like my reflection is making fun of me, which I get so upset and angry at I black out in my mind and I forcefully punch the mirror shattering it leaving the glass to fall on the floor and my hand to gush blood down my arm.