Bound to Happen - A TNN Fan-Fiction

One Step Forward Three Steps Back

A/N: I am so so sorry for my lack of updates recently for anyone that it matters too, it has been a rough last couple days. Mostly I have just been caught up being angry at the people being bullies to people in the TNN fandom, I saw someone get told to unal-ve today which isn't okay. So just remember it is not okay to tell anyone that and bullying people for what they like isn't either. Also please remember there are people who care about you and it will get better. As char said "Be cringe, Be weird, Be loud" do what makes you happy.<3

Wednesday 12:02PM

Monday we officially had the merger of the three nurseries which despite all the parents and new staff just sucking, the merger has been a great thing for me. I am with my girlfriend and sister everyday now which is comforting.

Over the last few days I have felt my resolve to get better weaken, the urge to restrict my food intake or purge after eating is strong. I have been trying so hard I just started learning to let people in. I just don't know what to do. I feel myself slipping all over again, even my safe foods are hard to eat anymore.

It is currently lunch time and Carly is out sick today so I am stuck alone unless I have Marjorie or Aut with me and I really don't want to bother them. Last I checked anyways Marjorie is trying to figure out her new routine as the manager and Aut is trying to comfort winter as a parent called him manly or something.

I sit here picking at my food rather than trying to eat it. I know I desperately need to reignite the want to recover or else I am going to spiral downwards again. I take out my phone and stare at both Marjorie and Aut's contacts I know I need to make the call or text and reach out in the end I decide to reach out to Aut as I promised her I would learn to let her in and let her be here when I need someone and vice versa. I take a deep breath and I sent Aut a text message.

R- "Hey Aut I know you are probably busy right now with Winter still but if you are okay with it can you please come up to the staff room? I can't do this shit I can't convince myself to eat and honestly I just feel like I am slipping again and I don't know what to do I am having a hard time to convince myself to recover anymore and I think seeing a familiar face and hearing a familiar voice will help me alot right now."

After a minute Aut didn't respond but instead Autumn rushed into the staff room breathing heavily. She had obviously ran here, she sits down across from me and doesn't say anything, she gestures towards my food wanting me to try and eat. I give her an unsure look and she gives me a small nod in response silently telling me it is okay. After a few more minutes of sitting here unsure, Aut gets up and leaves and it kind of makes me upset. I should have just ate it.

After a couple more minutes passed Autumn returns with her food she got for lunch and sits back down and gestures to me again to try and eat. I watch Autumn for a minute as she eats her food which relaxes me a little bit and I also end up starting to eat my food.

I finished about half of my food before it felt like a switch flipped inside me. I am suddenly really overwhelmed by anxiety and doubt. I sit down my food and bury my head in my hands, shaking.

A- "What's wrong Reece? you can talk to me."

R- "I can't do this."

A- "Let's take a break and try again in a little bit okay."

I nod at her and slide my food back on the table wanting it away from me, I put my head back in my hands listening to Aut tell me supportive things and other random things to distract me but it is hard to focus on her. I feel like I am stepping backwards. I feel like just a desperate cry for help. I want out of this god damn cycle. I know no matter how much I want to give up I can't.

I pick my head up still listening to Autumn and I start to try and finish my food again trying to push past this feeling. I remind myself recovery isn't meant to be easy I watch Aut also resume eating which relaxes me again, we both finish up lunch and despite the hiccup I am feeling more confident in myself and I remind myself it is worth it to get better, despite my dad's words I know I have too and can get better.

For myself, Sister, girlfriend and Friends. 

A/N 2: I would just like to reiterate that it does get better if you are going through something but please remember also if you are having a crisis to call your local crisis or emergency number.