She Conceived A Morgan's Child

Special Chapter 5: Dressing the Wound

Special Chapter 5

Rowena

"I don't really want any help at first... I don't know, it feels that if I do that it's like admitting to myself I was sick. I can't be sick, I have a child who is sick and he needs me," saying those words felt lump in my throat.

"It's ok Rowena, sometimes we are really in denial of what we're going through because we want to be tough," her voice was soothing to my ears. Ate Raki's sister, Dr. Meriden, recommended me to her. I vist her twice a week.

"No one is blaming you Rowena. How about, the medications? Are you taking them well? Has anything improved yet?" She asks and I nodded.

"My mood swings have improved, I rarely have insomnia no, but there are times na sumusumpong pa din sila... And I can't help hut to feel guilty because Fabio had to endure that... S'ya ang sumasalo ng lahat Doc," hindi ko rin talaga maintindihan ang sarili.

"You are still blaming him aren't you?" She asks at hindi ako nakasagot.

"Hindi ko alam Doc... The only thing I know is I didn't like how it felt. I don't like the feeling of hating him," naawa ako kay Fabio sa totoo lang. I know he also needs an emotional support, but here I am tormenting him emotionally.

"It sounds that you are really conflicted right now, but it is good to hear you are finally ready to discuss these emotions. You've improve already in such a short period of time," she answered.

"What should I do Doc?" I wanted to beg her to tell me what to do. However, I know that doesn't work. She could only advise me.

"You care deeply for him and recognizes he ist struggling. Also, the fact that you are aware of what you're feeling and you care about how it is affecting him shows a lot of empathy and self-awareness, you are not what you think you are Rowena."

I care deeply because I know, I love him. I don't want to see him hurting again, yet I can't control these emotions.

"You are not a bad person Rowena, your emotions are not uncommon. They are part of the reason why you are here. It is important to acknowledge those emotions so we canove forward and learn how to handle them," she added.

We further discussed about how I felt about Fabio. She never stopped encouraging me to not surpass these emotions on my own and talked to him about it. I was trying to talk to him again, but I couldn't bring myself utter any words ever again after I admitted what's been going on with me this whole time.

I was more distressed right now because of Benjamin's situation. Pakiramdam ko ay ako ang susuko tuwing nakikita ko syang nahihirapan every treatment. Everytime na nagsusuka sya, everytime we have to force him to eat to replenish the energy he lost during the treatment.

After the session I walked out of the room, na parang bang medyo nabawasan nanaman ang bigat ng nararamdaman ko. Then, there he was patiently waiting for me. I was greeted with a smile and a wave coming from him.

How... How did I even started hating him? But I also love him.

I just held my chest, mustering some courage to not just be silent when we enter his car.

"How do you feel now?" He asks as I was just one step closer to him.

"I feel better little by little," I just said. He just nodded and we both walked to the elevator. Ito katahimikang gusto kong basagin. The first session, he was persistent in asking about how it went, but I easily became irritable that he just shuts his mout and smile at me.