To Hold Tight or to Let Go

Chapter Eleven

Arthit knew that the moment he hung up, it wasn't the right decision. He regretted it immediately. He was feeling overwhelmed and didn't want to end up having a panic attack if he thought about the bad things he'd done in the past. The fact that he made Kongpob so insecure in the first place hurt him more than anything and now he shouldn't be punishing Kongpob for it.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he groaned, rubbing his eyes with his hands. "Arthit what are you doing?"

Of course the first thing he wanted to do was wait until the morning to fix it but he couldn't do that. He had to be different this time.

He remembered what Ohm had told him. Remember Arthit. He's probably just an insecure as you if not worse. You destroyed his trust and I'm sure he experiences pain too. Don't shut him out when he does something that is a result of this pain.

Arthit wiped his eyes again and gave himself thirty minutes to calm down. Once he was breathing normally and had his emotions in check, he called Kongpob again. It rang for a few moments and Kongpob didn't pick up.

"Ah fuck," Arthit groaned. "Way to screw that up you big jerk. How can you do that to him? He probably doesn't want to talk to you anymore you dumb son of a—"

Arthit's phone rang cutting off his thoughts. He looked down and saw Kongpob's name and answered immediately but he didn't say anything. He just listened to Kongpob's sniffling on the other line.

"If you're not going to talk why did you call back?" Kongpob asked, his voice hoarse.

"Were you unsure about picking up the first time?" Arthit asked softly.

"No, I was in the bathroom," he replied.

"Can I see you?" Arthit asked.

"So you can hang up on me again?"

"So I can apologize for being an overwhelmed idiot who's afraid of panic attacks so they run away from emotions instead of dealing with it."

There was silence for a moment and then Arthit's phone peeped as the video call request came in. When he switched over, he saw Kongpob's red eyed expression and he immediately felt guilty.

"I'm sorry Kongpob," Arthit said.

"Do you really think it's a mistake?" Kongpob asked.

"No but I'm afraid of having panic attacks all the time if you show me that insecure side of you because of what I did to you. And it's really not your fault Kongpob. This is all on me. It's just really hard for me to handle how I fucked things up."

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad P'Arthit. But this is a consequence of what happened. It's like I'm constantly waiting to hear something bad so I tell myself to be prepared for it. And it might not be fair but that's how it is. And I want to tell you that I'm going to try my best to not accuse you so you feel like you're this bad guy when you're trying to change. I just don't—" Kongpob paused and wiped his eyes. He covered his face to hide the fact that he was crying.

"I just don't want to mess this up again P'," he sobbed.

"Sssh," Arthit whispered, consoling him. "We can only promise to do our best and that's it. Let's not worry about messing up right now. Only about getting back to where we were."

Kongpob wiped his face and smiled tearily into the phone. Arthit was the first to turn off his light and lay down and Kongpob was next. They both had enough moonlight drifting into their room for them to be able to still see each other.

"Can we fall asleep together like this?" Arthit asked.

Kongpob nodded. Both of them set their phone on the charger and propped their phones up so they could still see each other.