To Hold Tight or to Let Go

Chapter Nine

Arthit fiddled with the buttons of his shirt as he waited for his guest to arrive at the coffee shop. It was insanely early but he wanted to get this over with immediately and this was the only time he could do it during the week as he'd probably spend time with Kongpob after work hours. He couldn't believe it. Planning to spend time with Kongpob after work again; he never thought he would be capable of that again. Part of him was still waiting for Kongpob to laugh in his face and tell him it was all a joke and that he would never let Arthit back in his life again.

When Kaiya walked into the coffee shop, she saw Arthit sitting in the back corner of the place fiddling with his shirt then pushing his coffee mug back and forth. She approached him slowly and when he saw her, he straightened up and she could see him gulp nervously. She sat down across from him and a waiter immediately came to take her order.

"This must be important if you agree to meet me at this time," Kaiya told him.

Arthit swallowed harshly again and nodded. "Yes mae, it's important."

"You look like you're losing weight again son. Have you been eating properly?" she asked.

"I've been eating well," Arthit mumbled.

"You know I'll ask Ohm if you're lying to me or not," she warned.

"I promise I'm not lying," Arthit blushed. "I'm eating well. But my meds are so strong that's why I look like I've lost weight. My appetite isn't as big as it was before and I'm always tired."

"But you need that dosage. He told me you tried to kill yourself after visiting your parents."

Arthit looked down, feeling ashamed for what he tried to do.

"Why would you do that?" she asked softly.

"Because I'm tired," he whispered. "Everyone wants something from me and I don't know how to just be myself anymore. Even with P'Ohm. I know he wants me to be a certain way and I feel like I can never be that way. I'm always going to be suffering and that day I kind of lost it."

"Do you have a will?" Kaiya asked him.

"No," Arthit whispered.

"So you'll do that and not even leave back any final words or wishes for us? What about me? What should I do? I've been taking care of you for these past few years; will you just leave me and not say anything to me?"

"Please don't do that," Arthit whispered. He grabbed at his chest, feeling that signature tightening. Flash images of his mother hitting him and blaming him for her woes flashed through his mind.

"I can't have you do that to me," he spoke, his words choppy and raspy. "You're the only one...that won't manipulate me. Please don't say those things to me."

Kaiya cursed under her breath, realizing what she'd just said. She stood and hurried to his side, kneeling in front of him.

"I'm not intending to manipulate you," she rushed out. "I just want you to think about things before you do them."

Arthit shot angry eyes at her. "And you think I can?! You think that I can control what goes through my head when my emotions get the best of me and I feel every bit of hate that I have towards myself swirling all around me? Every day I wake up and I ask myself if today is the day that I just end things. I try to keep myself going because of you and because of P'Ohm. Please don't make me feel as if...as if—" Arthit couldn't get the words out as tears sputtered from his eyes.

Kaiya immediately hugged him, pressing his head against her chest. She made circles over his back and made soothing sounds. Arthit gradually calmed down and copied her breathing to calm himself down. When she felt him get limp in her arms, she let him go slowly. He hid his face and wiped at his eyes but Kaiya picked his head up to make him look at her.