To Hold Tight or to Let Go

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Kongpob blinked a couple times as he stared at Arthit's back. What are you doing? Kongpob asked himself. Being jealous? Getting annoyed and upset so easily? Accusing Arthit of cheating?

"P," Kongpob called out to him but Arthit didn't answer back. "I know you can't be sleeping yet P. Don't ignore me."

Kongpob went over to the other side of the bed and looked down at Arthit. His eyes were indeed open but they were glassy with unshed tears.

"I don't want to end things," Kongpob said firmly. "I'm sorry I'm upset but not every argument we have is grounds for breaking up. I explained to you how much I love you. Why would you want to end things?"

"And I said...I know you love me. But love...and trust...they're not inclusive. You don't need one...to have the other. You clearly...love me. But trusting me...is a different...story."

"I do trust you," Kongpob said.

Arthit brows furrowed. "You just...you accused me of...doing something behind your back with P'Ohm. All because...we spend time...together."

Kongpob sat at the edge of the bed next to Arthit's hip. "It's not about trust P. It's about me being insecure and frustrated. And yes a little jealous. But I know deep down you'd never cross the line."

"Then why...did you say...that? About when I...tried to kiss...him before?"

"Because it justifies my jealously when I know I don't have a right to be jealous. But I just can't help it."

"I don't...understand."

Kongpob sighed. "Remember when we first started dating? Nothing seemed to get under my skin and I was just enjoying being your boyfriend?"

"Yes."

"And then...girls started to notice you more. I didn't feel threatened at first. But then it just started to get more annoying. You were smiling at those girls and being all nice and then I started to feel threatened. I started to feel like at any moment, you were going to leave me for them. It felt like we didn't have any connection anymore. Those girls that flirted with you were in your year. You could talk to them about labs and work and I felt I was losing you because I was two years behind. We started to lose time together and I started getting those jealous thoughts. You were spending time with me, instead you were with them and I couldn't get you back to me. And when we did see each other, I was in such a jealous fit I caused fights and bickering between us."

Arthit ran his hand against Kongpob's arm. "And...do you remember what we did...to get our relationship...away from that jealousy? Away from...the bickering and fighting?" Arthit asked softly.

"Not like I can forget," Kongpob replied. "We finally gave each other our virginities and we made love every chance we could get. Then I felt connected to you. Then I felt that those girls smiling at you was nothing compared to what we did to show each other that we loved each other."

"Kong...if you need to make love...to me to curb your...jealousy...there's nothing stopping us."

"I don't want it to be like this P. Sex with us now should be perfect and filled with love not just something to do because I'm jealous." Kongpob admitted. "And really...I want to work because I don't want you to think I'm good for nothing. But then I also want to be here with you all the time because everything feels so fragile still. I want us to be connected. I want us to share experiences and relearn each other. And me working...gives P'Ohm all this access to you and it scares me. You're his first love. What if...his feelings reignite and somehow you start thinking that he's a better partner than I am? He's older, has a good job, he's comforting and smart. Sometimes I don't feel like I can compare. And I wanted to be the one to help you with your skateboard P. Even with me working like this, I just thought if we did something together we can still be connected. Even if we aren't having sex."