MY SWEET ALYNE

CHAPTER 16

ALYNE

I love him for 3 years of my life. And to say that those three years werent the best story of my life, will be one of the bluffs I have made in my life.
But the truth is I want that lie to be true, I want to say that he meant nothing to me, and it should be a truth, bit no, it isn't. I love that man with all my core and I still do, deep down there is feeling for him.
I still wish around that he will come back one day, asking for my forgiveness.
But the questions is..
Will I accept him and let him in again? Or
Will there be still this feeling of affection in my heart for him?
These are the question I dont have answers. May be its just time. All say, time is the best healer ever known, but for me, this time that slips away like sand has became the stagnant water.
The main thing about the stagnant water is that, it more dangerous, it is of no use, it is for no one. Just like this time has stopped for me. This time is no use for me.
My life is stinking like that stagnant water. I need flow, I need flow in life, I need flow to breathe.
But no.
May be I'm not allowed to flow. To surpass this burning agony inside mr. To let it out and let it all go.
It seems like that time has stopped for me. And being notorious, time has started going back.
I am living all those past moments, I had lived with him. Which I loved that moment, but know all those moments bring nothing to me, it brings me an unending agony, a feeling in my stomach that I might throw up. And eventually I threw up.

I have lost my appetite just like that I have lost all my emotions and passion within me.

When I first met him, he was all I wanted. Or may be my mind wanted to be distracted,  or my heart wanted to fill in the void, it had all years.
There are moments of him and me , I cherish like nothing else. And I truly dont want those parts of my memory to go away, because if I do so, I will lose, all the last bit of him and me together, I have carried in my torned heart, after seeing him with some other girl.
The love I shared with him is the last thing that is binding me with him. And I have already lost him in this world, in my conscience,  I want to preserve him and me had in my subconscious.

But again what is the point?

Will I have him back? No, never.

Do I want him back?
I dont know.
may be.
may be I truly, desperately,  painfully,  shamelessly, passionately want him back.
May be not.

I still dont know what my heart wants.
Or may be.....

May be all my heart wants is me!

Because now I look from this perspective,  all I see is myslef, the love we had is not just dead, its murdered,  but along with that,  someone died too.

And that someone is me.

The version of me that existed when I loved sam with all my heart.
The version of me that craves him.
The version of me that did everything in her power to keep this love between us alive.
The version of me that was slaughtered the night when my eyes peeped through those wodden cupboard,  and saw him loving someone that was most definitely not me.

I am crying,  howling like an animal, hurting, because a part of me is dead.

A part of me that was so alive, that was filled with love kindness, and trust for others.
That part of me is dead.

May be I am grieving that part.

The night I saw him with someone else. It torn me apart.

But what causes me more agony, is that a part of me still craves him. It makes me feel disgusted and sick that I still want him back.

I saw him with her in the grocery store the other day.

It burnt down me, I was frozen, but the war and fire in my heart was just more fueled.

You might be thinking how long am I gonna stretch it, how long I'm gonna whine about it.
Well that the thing about love and heartbreak.
Everyone tells you how to love, but once its over no one is their to take you out of that puddle,  that is slowly swallowing it.

Healing is not ones night transformation. Its a whole process,  and the thing about it is that you yourself dont know when its going to over.