Inner voice

Are you still here?

I hate you. Yes, I do every single fucking piece of you. You made me feel so alive like I could actually survive, just dive into your eyes. Dive deeper into your soul not knowing I would lose all the control. Not knowing when to come for the air slowly leaving me to suffocate. I hate your eyes the way they shine at another girl's eyes, hate the way they were mine and now they can't find their way back. I miss you even tho I never had you. I hate the way you were never even mine the way I could never say your name out proud the way we were so close yet so far. I hate the thought that we could've had it all. But we didn't and we fell apart with me not knowing it at all. I still remember that night texting with you that's all I want. Your smiley face is across my phone case. I was living the dream without realizing it could turn out differently and it did. It all fell apart and I don't even know why. I want you back I do but how do I tell you? How do I say those heavy words how do I express myself when I am truly scared? Scared to love again, scared to break again. Will you take away my pain? Please let me explain. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay... Leave me again. Man I can't take the pain, it's making me go insane. Do you love her? Does she make you smile? Does she check up on you when you're in a bad mood? Does she care that you smoke? That you hang out with other girls? Does she care for you the way I did does she look at you with eyes full of tears? Does she love you the way I can? Say that you're happy, say you don't need me SAY IT! Say that you don't care, you don't love me you never even liked me yet there is a piece of my mind that wants to believe that we were meant to be. There is this memory of you and me and the way you treated me. The way you smiled and always got my back, the way you picked up my shirt to protect me from being unheard, heal me in a way they don't even understand. You talked to me so nicely or the time that you were being so cute and only mine. I remember the day we sat there on our chairs playing cross. I remember the drawings from you they are still in my notebook. I remember the day that everything made sense, the day you said they were over, the day you opened up to me and I took you all in. I loved you man I would give anything to have you back and I can't keep myself from questioning. Is it a test god? Another one cause I am pretty fucked up. I am sucked up with all those tests and battles I want peace I want love and I want him. Please lord, I beg you by the knees I don't know how to live if he isn't here with me. I can pretend all I want that I don't need him by my side but the truth is he is all I wanna be. He is my first ever love the one that stings and makes you believe everything is real. Will we meet again? Will you ever hold my hand or is it all just an unheard wish a call for help lord I am lost. Loss of words, loss of happiness loss of every fucking thing when I am not with him. So please I beg you once again let me take him. I know he will break me I know it won't last but still please I want to feel that way. I want to go to sleep knowing I tried knowing that we almost had it all. Knowing I got to experience the love that was our own. Please lord let me love him let me be his let me be happy. I never beg you know I don't and I went through cruel hell things. So please I am begging you to listen to me one more time please grant me one last wish. Let me be his. I remember the night I sat up and cried there were tears in my mouth and words just coming out from my shattered heart. I asked you to keep them together I begged you to not divorce them yet you did. YOU TOOK MY FUCKING EVERYTHING! Yet you want more what else do you want? My best friend? My health? My family? What else do you want to break what else is there even left? I am done I am sick of you all. I hate everything and everyone. It's not right I know it isn't but that's just how it feels when you are left with literally nothing. That's how it feels to be but really you want to disappear. I cried until there were no more tears left to shed I screamed until there were no words left in my sore throat. I shook until my legs gave up. I died to the point I couldn't even smile. Yes, one day I will be great again but the reality is I want you here with me and I try to act all grown I try to pretend that it isn't even that bad. The future is bright I know but I want the future that is known as ours as mine and yours as something that is true and pure. I want to make it work but perhaps you ain't the right one but keep in mind you will always be a friend of mine. I will always care to stand here even soaked with rain. My arms will be open ready to pull you closer. I am here I always will be but damn you're hurting me. One day you will find a girl that will love you as much as me and the thought of that kills. But what can I do reality is just cruel. So I sleep and dream of the place where our memories live. Where you still hold my hand and hug me without pulling back, where your love is only mine and the thoughts are happy not sorrowful and dry. So I hope one day we will see each other again and our souls will finally be through. Through all the pain and swinging away we will be connected we will be together one day in another life. Promise me you will be looking for me until we are united again ties with our hands? Promise me we will find each other again? Promise me you care? Baby? Are you still there?