Inner voice

Does it hurt?

Does it hurt? I will survive. That's not what I asked. What do you expect me to tell? The truth. He stared at me those eyes, so pure, so innocent, protected from the big, cruel world and out of all the things he could've wanted, he wanted the truth, that ugly, cruel one, my truth. No, it doesn't hurt, not at all. I say as I avoid his eyes, staring into the void in front of me searching for answers, answers I don't have. You are lying he accused frustration escaping from his breaking voice. I shook my head a bit and smiled, looking forward, letting rain pour on me as we sat there. I ain't lying It's true. I didn't hurt, no, hurt it's a four-letter word, it sounds almost cute like aw did that hurt?  It didn't hurt, it killed. He sits next to me, his body unmoving, his eyes focused ahead. He doesn't know what to do with my words, he doesn't understand them how could he? He has parents, loving parents who are waiting for him to come back, praying for him to be okay, mine are praying on my downfall, on my death wishing it would come sooner. He was loved as a child, always encouraged to do amazing things, and he will. He will do amazing things I know it. Maybe he will cure cancer, maybe he will be the first man to ever travel around whole space, maybe he will invent time travelling but he will do something, he will live. Something changed, something deep inside of me, I wanted him safe, I let him get close, too close, he is too good for me, he has a future while I am still in the past, reliving moments that haunt me in my darkest nightmares. He looks at me again and I can feel his gaze on my shoulder, I can feel his eyes trying to break through me, trying to read me, understand me. But would he love me if he knew who I was? Would he love me if he understood me? Understood the sickness inside my head? You're still alive Alaric He says gently. Words pressing onto me like gentle kisses, like promises. Those promises are lies. I smile again, laugh even, cold sarcastic laugh filling the air with tension. I shake my head again. Nah I am pretty much dead I smile coldly as I wipe the silence tears away. I don't understand.  He keeps on going. Of course, you don't, you are the hero, the main one, the pretty one, the cool one, I am only a villain, sometimes just a side character in my own story. His gaze is pressing onto me, drilling a hole through me. How could I possibly explain to him those feelings strangled so deep down my throat I couldn't untangle them even if I wanted to? He could never understand me, he could never love me. I saw things I did things he couldn't even dream of. I killed, I slaughtered, I laughed, I lived, but then all the good became bad cause it was never meant to be mine for long. I died. I'm glad is all I manage to say before standing up and turning around ready to leave, leave once again. Escape closure that scares me, a closure that is my only weakness and he got close, close to my heart and that hurts. I let him get close and now I am paying the price for it. I escape his eyes once again as he begs me to stay. His hands find mine and he holds onto me. The weight of his body pressed onto me, pulling me down. Don't leave. I love you. I deny. He doesn't love me, he loves the idea of me, the good part, the part I play out for him so he wouldn't worry, so his mind wouldn't get dirty like mine, I will keep him pure, I will keep him happy even if I have to hurt him, leave him and forget about him. You don't know what're you talking about. I sigh as I pull away. Ye, I Know. I love you, Al. I am not letting you leave I want to help you, I want to fix you. You can't fix me, darling, nobody can, I am not a mistake, I am broken beyond repair and that kind of person hurts other people believe me I know. I hurt people I am a monster and monsters can't be loved, especially not by angels like you.