Inner voice

Fuck you

I fucking hateeeeee you. I gave everything, every fucking thing. Fuck you man, fuck youuuuu. Go fuck yourself! I gave up everything for you, I gave up on my best fucking friend for you, on so many guys, on so many fucking relationships that could've turned out so good yet I gave it all up for you. Every day, every minute, every second of my day you were the only thought inside my head. The first one when I woke up and the last one was before I fell asleep. Every second of me being there with you one eye was always following you, your shadow, making sure you were alright. I dropped fucking everything for you, I helped you, I sacrificed the time of my fucking day to help you. I tried to fucking convince everyone around me that you are a good person, that you can change, that you are just broken well guess what turns out they were all fucking right. You are broken tho, so broken you maybe can't even be fixed. I tried, I really did, tried so fucking hard it killed me inside it really did. It drowned me, drained me of every fucking atom of my energy and I was left with fucking nothing. So maybe you just aren't meant to be fixed, maybe it was me who needed to be fixed I just didn't know it yet. I am pretty fucked up too you know and I am done with you treating me like I am some girl that's obsessed with you, like I am just another whore who wants to get with you, claim you like you're some fucking award no I actually cared for you. How stupid of me right? How stupid of me to believe you would change for just another girl, just another whore right? I cared for you, man. I really did. I was there for you, always even when you hurt me yet I never doubted my decisions, I never even thought about leaving you. You know I had options, other boys, men waiting for me to drop that stupid crush over you, to get their chance yet I never gave in to that fuckign lust you were so full of. I am not some loser, some quiet girl who will let you push her around and play with her feelings, you should be grateful I was spending time on someone like you. On someone who gave me nothing, not even the bare fuckign minimum. Yet I did. I fell in love with you, not that I have any choice. I can't fall in love with my mind but with my heart and my heart was pretty fucking stupid. Now I can watch you out there with some random girls, flexing like it's some curse. You even send me pictures of them like what the hell. But I ain't mad at you no, not even a little bit. I am mad at myself for trusting you, for believing you would take care of my heart but you ripped it apart.  So congratulations you won, you lost the girl who loved you more than you will ever know. So have fun now, smoke and drink, party and don't even think. Don't go to school why would you right? Go fuck yourself man I fell apart. I pretended to be blind, to just ignore all your red flags cause I wanted to be loved, I wanted you to love m the way I loved you but that was foolish of me. I was there and you weren't. I was there when your own mother didn't fucking care, and who was there when your father disappeared. I. It was me. I was there but where were you when I needed you? Where were you when I was on the floor, crying asking for some more? You left so ye man thanks a lot for being my first ever heartbreak, my first ever mistake. Thank you for that unnecessary pain. You know what I still get in the picture you said you didn't want to make it official. Why? Well because you wanted to keep the friendship, afraid you would ruin it, because you cared for me and loved me and you couldn't stand the thought of losing me. Fuck you man all that talk, these lies filled my head with living parasites. They make me sick, how can you be so cruel yet so sweet? How could you just leave, pretend for the attention that you crave? I can't believe you didn't stay, can't believe I almost asked you to care, to stay to be here. I can't believe how stupid I was. You come with some much baggage, with so many troubles, that you can't even unpack thinking I will do it for you. No, I won't because I physically can't anymore. Because you called me a fucking whore. There is nothing left within me, nothing left for you to take. My mind, my heart, my fuckign should nothing just an empty skull. So yes I hate you cause it's easier to hate then to heal and believe we really weren't meant to be. THe mistake only I can admit.