Inner voice

The mirror

I looked in the mirror but I didn't see me. Face staring back at me seems weird, as if it's melting slowly disappearing right in front of my eyes. Those grey eyes, that used to be ocean blue inside them seas, mountains and stars expanding into unlimited. I was a galaxy, a galaxy that expanded all the time, sucking in new information, new emotions, radiating good energy so everyone could see it, feel it. Putting smiles on people's faces as I danced there not giving a shit about all the looks and mean comments, but then something broke inside of me. I grew up. All that pureness all that confidence and childlike innocence disappeared. I felt like a parent that has lost a child but that child was me. I lost me. Myself. I tried to find myself by spending every second of my day doing something productive, searching for that happiness, that satisfaction, the feeling of being whole again. I didn't dare to stay alone with my thoughts I let them die suffering leaving them unheard, leaving them in silence, and the little girl in me began fading. She faded and faded until one day she disappeared and it wasn't quiet, she screamed in agony as they ripped her away from me, as they took something that was mine, a part of me, my childhood. They took me away. Now I stare at this same me and I wonder what have I done. Where is that little girl? Is she happier there? Far away from me and those mean words. Her eyes they follow me, so blue, so full of life, ready to live oh my poor little girl the world did us dirty, it did. She died because of those people, people that didn't hear my screams for help, didn't see signs, they didn't see me. I was just a ghost, they made me a ghost full of grief and agony, full of unsolved anger that was bubbling inside of me, corrupting like I am some damn volcano. You all did this to me, you killed me. You . You all did this. I did this. I killed me. Slowly leaving marks for others to follow, slowly hating on myself so others could to, slowly killing myself, hating me for some stupid mistakes, always taking on to big of a tasks. I tried okay. I tried to be perfect but I think perfect it's just not for me. I am different, so different, not unique like in poems, like those flowers that bloom only in autunm, not like the snowlakes that fall from the sky slowly no. No I am different like a person standing in rain while others open their umbrelas avoiding little drops from hitting their shivering body. Different like an elephant covered in zebras stripes, I am different. I don't find closure in it, it doesn't help me, no it bothers me, it weighs me down badly. I am different! I hate it. I hate it how my hair doesn't shine like all the others, hate the way my heart is far to pure, how my brain is wired differently, hate how I always get taken advantage of because I am a people pleaser and I can't say no. How I always beg them to listen, to care while I serve them my attention and help on a silver plate, hate how I am so lonely yet never alone. Hate how sometimes I take a moment to breathe and around me there isl ive, people chattering and smiling, laughing living in the moment while I am stuck in the past thinking of future. I hate how at the end of the day when sun goes over that rock and the darkness lays over the city all I can think about is how much I wish to be someone else. Hate how I cry myself to sleep quietly because I can't bother to wake up my family or tell them how I feel casue I would be called dramatic. I hate how they all say I act to grown up for my age but when acting like a teenager called selfish and drama queen, hate how it's never right but never wrong etiher. I hate it how I am always stuck in the middle, never in the front, never in the back, never even in a line, always on my own side. I hate it how I am covered with stripes, with scares that my own hand has done. I hate how I speak to loud only cause I beg to be heard I hate how I act so right only because I am, afraid of being judged. I hate how I am so quiet because I am scared of being misunderstood. I hate how I act like me. Cause I am never loved the way I am, never understood the way I think, never enough, not for me not for them not for anyone on this world. So while I look in this mirror tears are streaming down my face, they slowly fade as I wipe them away. They don't see you I whisper. They don't love you I sayy louder. They will never understand you I scream while I punch that mirror shattering it to the pieces. I look at it, little pieces scatteret on those grey tiles, I watch my imperfect reflection in them. I am so different. This mirror is lying making me think all that is worth can be seen, while their is still beauty hidden within me. The mirror is lying inside of it there is not me.