Inner voice

The other side of my skin

I hate it how I am the parent but the sister yet the child. I hate how I lead, how I follow and how I need to treat, treat people I don't like, respect choices that aren't even mine. Feel as if I'm drowning but force on a smile, play with my sister be a picture-perfect creature. Hate how I am the mother but never the loved one, hate how I am too grown up but too childish for this world. Too soft they see, too foolish they laugh, but they don't see me when I cry. They don't see the bitter tears, the silent scream, me begging to be free. Free of chores, free of responsibilities that aren't even mine, it was your chore to bring them up. You should have been there when they fought, you should've pulled them apart, I should be there screaming at you, having their back. But no, you weren't there so I had to fill in that role, playing a mother, father and sister what else do you want me to do? Be a maid maybe a cleaner perhaps a cooker too? You need support you say of course let me be your partner? You need money sure let me give you my savings. Do you need me to babysit again? Sure, let me just pause my life so you can go out and play some guys. You ruined that connection I was supposed to have fun I wasn't meant to be so grown up, so serious so fucked up. I grew up but I never asked to be grown. I wanted to be a child, innocent with no expectations, I wanted to be lifted up when given a bad grade, I wanted to be hugged when I fell I wanted to be loved and protected I wanted to be seen, but you pushed that aside because of your own needs. You're selfish, you're cruel, your dissaproval, you truly are brutal. Taking all of me away then coming back expecting more, wanting support, a smile and appreciation for what?! For bare fucking minimum? For love you never gave? For support you never showed? For all the lessons you didn't teach me? For all the bonds I coulnd't build because of you? For alway pushing me away? For fucking what? Maybe for ruining me and making me strict, maybe for breaking me so I can't be broken again? Maybe for fixing my mistakes thinking you are doing my future husband a favor. No you broke me. Your eldest daugter. Me. Because of you I don't see, because of you I don't hear, every compliment just critisizmn in disguies, every praise just another job to be done, every I miss you just a burden every I love you said to someone new, you never knew. Never knew the pain I carry, the standars I have to reach to be seen, the work nobody sees, the tears they don't feel. The screams they don't hear. Two little sisters behind me, crying, begging me to stay so I do. Do so they won't have to go through, through all the pain and suffering through all the manipulation and deep talks. I hope they never will see that side of you I hope they will never understand me and I hope some day they will accept me just like I am. I am just the eldest daughter, born into responsabilty, soul tethred to duty, while my dreams float in a sky I can't reach. I am a lighthouse, pointing the way while I am lost somewhere, still stuck in the bay. I am the first born the bluprint for perfection, never allowed to bend yet breaking quietly beneath all the expectations. I am that lighthouse that never rest quiding them all home while trying your best  request, protest, be stressed, depressed, obsssesed. Tryign to be something when you feel like nothing, I wear that crown, crown of quiet thorns, suffering in silence while they drink my blood. Sucking the life out of my never grown body, leaving bruises now uncovered. I cover them the big bags under my eyes, the red puffy cheeks behind a crooked smile. Behind my voice there is pain nobody hears. The first to raise the last to sleep, the one they lean upon when their strenght is gone, the shile, the wall, the stone, though fragile in my skin, a soldier marching every day with battles locked within. In every smile a threat of pain in ever laugh, a tear, for me I learned far too soon to bury my fears. I build those walls to hold them close, born with the weight of skies untold. I've learned to silence all those cries all those fears, while my dreams dissapears. I am truly paper thin. This is the other side of my skin.